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I love you so much it hurts.

Sometimes the everyday stress of this fight against cancer pops up.  It is an undercurrent in our lives as we try to move on.  Certain days we avoid the topic either because we don’t have time to catch up or we don’t want to bother each other.  We know how each other feels and when the kids are asleep we’ll have a quick discussion.  The stress though recently has been over the decission or lack of clarity on her trial with bisphosphonates and other hormonal therapy.  The stress and anxiety is in her and she wants me to help.  This is the first time in our relationshipp where I just keep having to let her make those decisions.  I will just never know her true feeling about how badly she wants to fight some days.  The tensionhas been there and I want so much to help and support her but the stress is just making us crack a little.

Today though was the first of her OS shots and her bisphosphonate cocktail.  Along with Tamoxifen she is getting the triple whammy of hormonal therapy and bone density treatment to fight against a recurrence.  Although she was lucky enough to avoid chemotherapy and radiation, she had to go to the ward where those treatments are provided in order for her to get her shot.  Seeing the other women with sadness in their eyes, a slouch in their posture and bald heads was a reminder of my mohters treatment as well as a reminder of how lucky we are to have caught this cancer early.

Tonight we just gave each other a kiss and reminded each other how lucky she/we are.  She still inspires me.  Tonight when I just didn’t want to go running I reminded myself of the pain and suffering she is going through and told myself that no amount of pain and suffering I have will match hers.  It was 4 miles of therapy for me as I took a deep breath and breathed in the cold crisp air.  I spent the run thinking of all the people we’ve met along the way and gave thanks.

Well once again it is late and I need to cut this short.  I also need to get back to some of the postings of the fun parts of my life.  I do have fun sometimes.