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“Our marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but sometimes one of us shall carry the load.  Let me do it now.”

I think the waiting is just too much.  We have to wait another 3 days before our meeting with the surgeon and oncologist.  We are meeting with the physicians at UCSF.  My wife feels comfortable with that and has received reassurances for her decision.  She’s still anxious though and her doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication.

The network of cnacer survivors is amazing.  She has met with and spoken with so many survivors.  My mother, her friends, my cousins, my aunts, her mother’s friends,and her mother have all reached out to her.  Their strength has really helped.  I think seeing her mother’s strength has really helped her.  They all have one thing in common.  They are all survivors and that is making her feel better while we play the waiting game.

Meanwhile I am taking more of my 50% on and making sure to distract the kids who we have not yet told.  They’ll be okay and we’ll help them get through it with a sense of strength and courage that will allow them to fight any of life’s many obstacles.  It’s hard to just do the little things.  Not because I can’t do them myself, but I’m so used to seeing my wife do them for me with love.

As I said, my wife has a great support group, but it is amazing to me about how little there is for their significant others.  This is not just her cancer, but it is our cancer.  I snuck away the other night just to look at mastectomy operations on the internet.  I’m not one who can look and blood or anything involving an open cavity, but I forced myself to look.  I need to get used to it so my wife sees how strong I am for her.  I cry too.  I cry in the shower in the mornings while she’s still asleep.  I know she is going to be okay, but it is a very emotional event in our young lives.

In a weird way, cancer has been a positive distraction.  My days at work have not felt so long.  There is more urgency in the work I am doing and I’ve been more efficient.  Running is the same.  My nightly runs seem to have more energy and my runs seem to be with less effort.  Has the cancer made me stronger too?

Today I went to the Livestrong site and bought more yellow bands.  I want my children to wear them again.  I want them to feel like they are supporting their mother.  Again it is a way to help distract their minds too.

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