“Today like every day is a great day with you.  Seeing you smile with tears in your eyes makes me happy”

If you don’t like waits, this was not for you.  We had a 1pm appt and showed up 15 minutes early.  We didn’t leave until 3:30pm but it was one of the most educational 2 and half hours I’ve had in a while.

For all the Significant Others out there, always go with your spouse to the visit.  Waiting there alone was bad enough with my wife, so I can’t imagine sitting in that room alone.  I think at one point there was a 40 minute wait and I fell asleep while my wife ran through pamphlets.  All of the waiting had me exhausted and it finally caught up with me I guess.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  Worrying about my wife when she wasn’t looking was killing me.  The power nap really helped.

My wife wanted me to take notes as she wanted me to make sure I jotted down the good things as she heard that you only tend to listen to the bad things. My wife’s doctor was also my mother’s surgeon.  While we sat there I read the bio of a young hot shot cosmetic surgeon and was thoroughly impressed, but this surgeon was more comforting and real.  She had a great calming effect and she made me feel good knowing that she saved my mother and is going to save my wife.

My wife’s OB/GYN has to also be commended for detecting her cancer.  “Your OB/GYN did a great job” seems to be the common thread we are hearing.   I’ve never been someone who cared about their wife’s OB/GYN, but I appreciate her more than ever.  I wrote her an email tonight just to say thanks.  How can I ever repay her.

It turns out we were very prepared for what we needed to know.  My wife and I didn’t even have to glance at each other while the doctor told us what it appears her prognosis would be.  I think all this thinking had us thinking the worst.  While the news wasn’t the greatest, I think it brought a great sense of relief for ua to finally know what it is, what our population of statistics tells us that we have to deal with, and what our timing will be.

We had a pretty good idea of what our going in thought would be and after her surgeon told her that a simple lumpectomy might just be fine with some radiation, my wife told her what she really wanted.  A double mastectomy with reconstruction.  This is no laughing matter, but it is not my choice and is all up to my wife.  She knows what she wants and if this means possibly not ever having to deal with this kind of cancer again, that is just alright with me.

Again, I learned so much about the process and preocedures which will help us get through this.  Now we will do a lot more waiting.  Yes, there will be another month before the actual surgery.  There is no danger of the cancer getting worse so the best thing to do is go on living our lives.  We need to take care of our business right now and prepare for the best and worst.

Ironically my wife did hear all the positive and it was me who heard the negatives.  I tempered her enthusiasm a bit.  This is not a print but a marathon.  We will defnitely have some tough days ahead and I want us to be prepared for that.

We started to tell our 6 and 9 year old about mommy’s lump but we’ll have to do it again another time.  We can’t be afraid to use the word cancer.  We need to tell our children about mommy and let them hear it from us rather than someone else.  Again, our goal is to get our children smarter and more mature about life matters.

In the end, I was happy to see a smile on my wife’s face that I hadn’t seen for months.  It made me cry. I’m so happy for her.  I married the right woman.

“Our marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but sometimes one of us shall carry the load.  Let me do it now.”

I think the waiting is just too much.  We have to wait another 3 days before our meeting with the surgeon and oncologist.  We are meeting with the physicians at UCSF.  My wife feels comfortable with that and has received reassurances for her decision.  She’s still anxious though and her doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication.

The network of cnacer survivors is amazing.  She has met with and spoken with so many survivors.  My mother, her friends, my cousins, my aunts, her mother’s friends,and her mother have all reached out to her.  Their strength has really helped.  I think seeing her mother’s strength has really helped her.  They all have one thing in common.  They are all survivors and that is making her feel better while we play the waiting game.

Meanwhile I am taking more of my 50% on and making sure to distract the kids who we have not yet told.  They’ll be okay and we’ll help them get through it with a sense of strength and courage that will allow them to fight any of life’s many obstacles.  It’s hard to just do the little things.  Not because I can’t do them myself, but I’m so used to seeing my wife do them for me with love.

As I said, my wife has a great support group, but it is amazing to me about how little there is for their significant others.  This is not just her cancer, but it is our cancer.  I snuck away the other night just to look at mastectomy operations on the internet.  I’m not one who can look and blood or anything involving an open cavity, but I forced myself to look.  I need to get used to it so my wife sees how strong I am for her.  I cry too.  I cry in the shower in the mornings while she’s still asleep.  I know she is going to be okay, but it is a very emotional event in our young lives.

In a weird way, cancer has been a positive distraction.  My days at work have not felt so long.  There is more urgency in the work I am doing and I’ve been more efficient.  Running is the same.  My nightly runs seem to have more energy and my runs seem to be with less effort.  Has the cancer made me stronger too?

Today I went to the Livestrong site and bought more yellow bands.  I want my children to wear them again.  I want them to feel like they are supporting their mother.  Again it is a way to help distract their minds too.