Tag Archives: Breast

A Loving Fight – Day 3

01 Friday Aug 2008

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“Our marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but sometimes one of us shall carry the load.  Let me do it now.”

I think the waiting is just too much.  We have to wait another 3 days before our meeting with the surgeon and oncologist.  We are meeting with the physicians at UCSF.  My wife feels comfortable with that and has received reassurances for her decision.  She’s still anxious though and her doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication.

The network of cnacer survivors is amazing.  She has met with and spoken with so many survivors.  My mother, her friends, my cousins, my aunts, her mother’s friends,and her mother have all reached out to her.  Their strength has really helped.  I think seeing her mother’s strength has really helped her.  They all have one thing in common.  They are all survivors and that is making her feel better while we play the waiting game.

Meanwhile I am taking more of my 50% on and making sure to distract the kids who we have not yet told.  They’ll be okay and we’ll help them get through it with a sense of strength and courage that will allow them to fight any of life’s many obstacles.  It’s hard to just do the little things.  Not because I can’t do them myself, but I’m so used to seeing my wife do them for me with love.

As I said, my wife has a great support group, but it is amazing to me about how little there is for their significant others.  This is not just her cancer, but it is our cancer.  I snuck away the other night just to look at mastectomy operations on the internet.  I’m not one who can look and blood or anything involving an open cavity, but I forced myself to look.  I need to get used to it so my wife sees how strong I am for her.  I cry too.  I cry in the shower in the mornings while she’s still asleep.  I know she is going to be okay, but it is a very emotional event in our young lives.

In a weird way, cancer has been a positive distraction.  My days at work have not felt so long.  There is more urgency in the work I am doing and I’ve been more efficient.  Running is the same.  My nightly runs seem to have more energy and my runs seem to be with less effort.  Has the cancer made me stronger too?

Today I went to the Livestrong site and bought more yellow bands.  I want my children to wear them again.  I want them to feel like they are supporting their mother.  Again it is a way to help distract their minds too.

A Loving Fight – Day 2

31 Thursday Jul 2008

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“Now is the time to dream BIG.  Dream bigger than ever.  Don’t just dream for today and tomorrow, but for what you truly want years from now.  “

My wife is such an unselfish person and I have always been tough on her.  Begging for her to tell me what I could do to make her happy. “What do YOU really want”, I’d always ask.  Carpe Diem has never been in her vocabulary.  I love her for that.  She’s never been a high maintenance partner and now I want her to be.  Well I’ve always wanted her to at least tell me what I can do for her.  I know the simple things in life that she enjoys, but I want to hear about the bigger things.  This has been like pulling teeth.  Literally, pulling teeth since both of our dads were dentists.

It’s actually a hard thing for someone else who hasn’t dreamed that way before.  I had her watch Randy Pausch’s full lecture in which he tell us his dreams of being Captain Kirk, working for Disney and playing in the NFL.  Hearing her laugh while listening to a man who was dying tell you how he is living his dreams was therapeutic for me. Hearing her laugh and cry made me feel good. I had to remind her that she was listening to a man who was not going to live versus her, a person who IS going to live.  She would likely say what she wants for our kids.  That is what her mom would say.  I reminded her that none of what Randy Pausch says in his lecture has anything to do with his kids although the lecture is for his kids.

I think she gets it.  I think she now realizes that dreaming is not the same as “wanting”.  She can still be unselfish.  I’m just asking her to be positive.  No more glass half empty attitudes.  More Tigger and less Eeyore.  As a consultant I strategized for my clients based on scenario planning and expected outcomes.  Cancer has put many scenarios in front of us.  I want her to have scenarios with outcomes.  Some of those outcomes will be common no matter what those scenarios will be.  If she wants to go to Hawaii, there is no reason we can’t.  If she wants to drive a Porsche, there is no reason she can’t.  I just want her to tell me what she wants so that I can do my job as a husband and help her work toward those dreams.

Cancer is funny in this way.  I always joke to my wife that it doesn’t matter what I say.  She’ll always listen to someone else’s opinion first.  That is why I had her listen to Randy Pausch’s lecture.  She knows I love her so my opinions are tainted and that is true.  In that same note, I think she is listening to the cancer.  The cancer is telling her that life is too short to wait for it to come to you.  Sometimes you have to grab for it and savor it.

She just told me she was going to create one of her famous “to-do lists” today.  I just reminded her to make it BIG and not very easy to cross off each of them……