Tag Archives: mastectomy

Confidence is a Drug – Life is a Highway

24 Monday Nov 2008

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“I am Superwoman, Put an S on my chest” – Alicia Keys

Continuing my theme of letting go, my wife is starting to do a lot of little things which are showing her confidence and need for independence from going grocery shopping alone to resuming her exercise.  It is a simple thing sometimes but I can trace this renewed energy just from a simple invite from some of the “popular moms” in our kids school who asked her to join them for an evening out.  It really made my wife feel good to still fit in.  I know her confidence wiill ebb over the next few months as she goes through her recontstruction and deal with both the emotional and physical scars.

Interestingly enough we had the same conversation about confidence with our own children.  We want to teach them humbleness.  While both are well liked by their classmates we want to teach them to be humble individuals and help them for the inevitable day when they receive rejection and teach them how to handle it.

Part of gaining confidence is providing exposure to as much as possible.  As a parent it is our job to show our children as much as we can while providing guidance.  As we go through our lives our parenting takes on many forms that are influenced by our own experiences.  We sometimes learn by giving our children things that our parents couldn’t give us or providing many of those same experiences.  For me, I miss those moments with my dad and this weekend I was able to take my son to his 1st  Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford football), but it is was more than just a game.  As I say, it is always the experience of getting there, and taking a 9 year old to Berkeley is always an eye-opening experience.  Blondies Pizza, Top Dog, the homeless, Rasputin’s Records, etc are all part of the mystique after taking Bart to Berkeley.  For our son (and some day our daughter) the experience started with listening to the Cal Band. 

After listening to the Cal Band we marched up to the stadium with them.  The smile and laughter that he had watching the band made me tear up.  30 years ago that was me with my dad.  I only hope my dad felt as satisfied with giving me that same experience and I showed him the same amount of gratitude.  The casual conversation about the history of the schools and the area were part of a great day of bonding that hopefully will create many pleasant memories for my son because they sure did for me.

My wife and I are still being cautious about the post-surgery experience and what it will mean to us.  I think we know how it will be physically but psychologically we’ve been talking about some of our concerns and issues each night.  We will have to work through it, but at the moment we aren’t sure what those exact issues will be.  What we do know is that we have to be observant of each other’s behavior and let each other know when we observe anything.

One thing we did agree upon though is that leading into this Thanksgiving, we will not be at a loss for things we will be thankful for.

It Just Doesn't Stop – A Loving Fight

20 Thursday Nov 2008

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

It Just Doesn’t Stop – A Loving Fight

20 Thursday Nov 2008

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

Living in Limbo – The Highway of Life

12 Wednesday Nov 2008

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Is it making you laugh?  Is it making you cry? – Sugarland

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with my wife’s oncologist.  I hope we can come to a decision on what we are doing going forward.  We really are in limbo here.  I feel as if we are being held captive by surgery dates, concerns about travel, medications, etc.  Holiday travel and just getting on with life and living it the way we’ve discussed is what we are looking forward to.  I’m already looking forward to taking her to see Elton John in Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2009.  Its one of those once in a lifetime shows that I think we need to see.  We just missed seeing James Brown last year and had tickets to see a show but he died.

As I mentioned in my last entry, this journey has really helped me to assess my love for my wife.  Each night when I run, I remind myself of all of our great memories and all the things I still want to do with her.  They say when you run, you can get a runner’s high.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I matched my highschool cross country times from over 20 years ago on our cross country course. I wasn’t even trying and I was a little shocked when I checked my watch.  It was a full minute faster than I’d been runing this month.  All I remember doing was listening some music by Sugarland and the next thing you know my run was over.  I barely even remember running up the steep hill near the end of my run.  I was listening so intently to the lyrics of one of their songs, I just lost track of my time.

Well eat your heart Dara Torres!  I too can do in my 40s what those half our age can do.  Now I just wish we could find the time to accomplish more in life.

Why the Analogy with Roads, Highways, Journeys, etc.?

12 Wednesday Nov 2008

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“Life is a Highway, I want to ride it all night long” – Rascal Flatts

People have emailed me and asked why I title many of my posts as Life is a Highway.  Well it is the name of a little song by a country band, Rascal Flatts.  I’m not a country enthusiast but I find the song catchy, uplifting and I found the lyrics to how I want to live life:

One of my main points that I live my life by is to enjoy the journey because sometimes no matter how great the reward is at the end, the effort and experience of getting there is more rewarding.  Whether it is driving across the country and enjoying the beautiful scenery, completing a huge task successfully with a group of people who show a great sense of teamwork, or fighting cancer and finding out who your friends really are, there are so many journeys that we all take each day.  The car, my car, Herbie, is also my vehicle that gets me around town.  to me there is no other car windshield that I ‘d rather watch people through as my journey crosses the streets of San Francisco each day.  I was lucky to be born in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and there is no use avoiding its rich culture and history.

Someone else asked me why I seem to write my updates late at night.  Well it is usually the first time all day that I take for myself and I often go running late at night.  It is so peaceful out and I run like I live my life.  I’ve always been a distance runner and when I run I love to soak in the surroundings.  I get to run two very beautiful streets at night which are now lined with holiday lights already.  Tonight I soaked in the crisp air, stared at the full moon through the branches, and window shopped along world famous Fillmore St. and Sacramento St. .  Window shopping is really cheap when all the stores are closed already.  Smelling the perfume of women walking home, men smelling like their fifth bourbon, and the smells of the fries from the Johnny Rockets burger joint all are spices of life that I soak in on my run each evening.

It’s not just my journey that I enjoy, but the journeys of others.

Why run?  Why run so late?  Running is for my life.  High Cholesterol runs in my family and I do it for me and my kids.  Blogging is for me and my kids too.  I was a terrible history student , but I do vow that I will not repeat my dad’s mistakes.   Although my dad was a wonderful dad, he kept his feelings to himself.  The stresses I think ultimately led to his heart attack.  Expressing myself is something I aim to do through my blogging.  My goal is to be there for my grandchildren.  I want to give back to them.  With our generation living longer than our ancestors ever did, I hope to be able to give to my grandchildren life lessons that my own father never got to provide to his own grandchildren.

I mentioned my wife’s cancer.  It has been a rough journey.  Someone asked me why I wouldn’t want to talk about such a horrible experience.  Well life has many bumps and we tend to suppress the bad memories and focus on the good ones.  For me this journey through cancer has been a great learning experience for me.  I’ve learned so much about myself, my love for my wife, and my respect for the limited time we have on this Earth.  I will never forget these days, the pain, the joys and the many people I may never see again.  And if I do, I can look back and hopefully see a person on these pages who has grown.

Alright, time to pull over and get some rest!

Many Different Stories – One Destiny

09 Sunday Nov 2008

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“We have so many different stories, and one single destiny”

When I went running tonight (it is usually where I do my thinking) I replayed this historic week and its place in history.  Our first President of ethnicity is one piece.  The way he was able to gain the support of the majority of our country in just 22 months with a grass roots campaign through modern communication techniques was brilliant yet a throwback to traditional ways of fundraising and campaigning. 

Whether you were for or against the President-elect I looked at it as a big time in our society and a great learning one.  I wasn’t alive for JFK or for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I hear the stories of the many people who know where they were when they heard that speech.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech will be one for the ages.

That is why I had my 9 year old son listen to both John McCain’s concession speech and Barack Obama’s victory speech with me.  My 6 year old daughter is too young.  While I know it might have been boring to an adult’s ear, I’m sure for a young kid that it might not have meant much.  I just wanted my son to remember sitting on the couch with his dad while he listened.  I told him that he didn’t need to remember the speech but to remember and take something from the speech.  When it was over, I asked him what he got out of it.  he mentioned the 100 year old lady who had seen a lot of change.  He then said, “We are country full of people with many stories, yet one destiny”.

I asked if he understood and he told me that like our family, we are four different people with different storied , but we do things together as a family.  Just like a team.  Kids are so great.  Their minds are clear and they help us see things in a different light.  I hadn’t even picked up that line until my son mentioned it.  Over the next several days I applied it on many different levels.  I applied it to Work, Family , and even my classmates that I saw at my 25th high school reunion.  The stories are diverse and should be celebrated.

Most importantly I thought about the many stories of the women such as my wife and mother who have battled or are battling cancer.  Their stories are varied yet all of these women have one destiny and that is to find the cure for and beat cancer.  Their stories have inspired me.  I was talking to my wife who told me that a mom wanted to interview her because she found my wife to be an inspiration.  While my wife does not find herself to be an inspiring figure, she was flattered and it made her feel good. 

I reminded my wife that change begins from within.  We recounted how my mother has changed in her fight over the last 5 years.  I told her that she shouldn’t passively be an inspiration, but to be a little more active in how she affects others.  We agreed that it is a time to say “Yes We Can” and I say that in a non-political way, but at an individual interest level. 

For me, as we approach this holiday season and I look forward to this work week, I will bring my own destiny and inspiration to my actions.

Trick or Treat & The Material Girl – Life is a Highway

02 Sunday Nov 2008

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“Dream as if you’ll live forever, Live as if you’ll die tomorrow” – James Dean

I watched our kids count up thier candy tomorrow and it can only warm a parent’s heart to hear them not fight and to see our oldest combine his candy with the younger child’s smaller batch and agree to share the candy evenly without even asking.  You wonder if society would be better off if we left it up to the kids.

I’m not considered calendar wise to be a “Baby Boomer” but I’m just on the edge.  They say as a whole that this generation will not do as well as their parents.  I agree.  I’m even more worried about my children’s generation.  How will they succeed?  How do we give them a chance?  With the financial markets seeing one of the biggest drops in history, we are learning to guard our pennies yet enjoy life as best we can.

Back on the Adult Front, my wife is feeling better.  We went to see the Material Girl (Madonna).  I was so worried about her getting bumped into or jostled around.  I was surprised to see her able to jump around and dance so freely.  It was a good test event for getting out.  She was still tired, but it felt good to be a couple again and to get out and feel like we haven’t lost a step.  Psychologically, it was also a big move for me too.  While we don’t always agree with her messages, there were some great personal messages.  We didn’t take her messages although very political in that way.  My wife told me afterwards that she saw the the message and took it personally:

  • Get Up
  • Time Is Now
  • If you Wait it will be too late
  • Your Choice
  • Your World
  • Your Life

Here is the link to the backgroung video of her concert.  Please again ignore the political message and think about it as a Take Charge of Your Life message: MADONNA BACKGROUND VIDEO

I have to admit at looking back at it, it sure is inspirational….to all of you out there looking for a reason to get up and take action, I sure hope you all find that motivation.  I am so glad my wife has found one for now.

Remembering to Smell the Roses

27 Monday Oct 2008

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy.  They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom” – Proust

Today’s quote was in a card we got from the family of one our kid’s schoolmates.  This family lost their mother this past summer after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  She was only 39.  This means she was only 33 when diagnosed and by then it was too late.  They say women she start getting yearly mammograms around ages 35-40.  They should start getting them earlier than that.  And even then mammograms aren’t always helpful.

The card hit me particularly hard.  It was sent from the father and the two sons.  When I think how close I was to that being me I just couldn’t focus all weekend.  I just can’t imagine what it is like to be a young father and having to raise two children on my own.  I remember when I would go the funerals of the fathers of my friends and cousins I would cry for them and for me.  I knew it would hurt the day I lost my own dad.  When it did happen to me I wasn’t able to cry.  it came out slowly over several years.  Now every time I see a parent die prematurely I will cry for those children, but when it happens to me I obviously won’t be able to cry.

This morning I had an early morning meeting with a potential partner.  When the meeting started the San Francisco weather was its usual overacast and fog.  When I came out it was beautifully sunny.  After dropping my colleagues at the airport I was hungry.  Of course in these recession times I figured some dim sum from San Francisco’s Clement St. would make a nice cheap lunch and I’d see if my wife could meet me at home since it was on the way back.  I remember those old movies when the husband would come home for lunch.  I knew she was lonely at home and I just needed to see her.  You don’t get to do this often.  This past weekend we went on our first real night out since her surgery.  Of course all we did on our first night without the kids was talk about the kids and go grocery shopping.

This time although it was just a 25 minute lunch, it seemed more special since it was spontaneous.  We felt like we were stealing time together after all these years.  it does take moments like this that help you to smell the roses.  We didn’t have to say to each other how nice it was to eat a lunch together on a Monday.  It was just understood. 

More moments like this are needed in our daily lives.  Smelling the Roses opens the senses, makes you smile, and reminds you why you give the maximum effort each day.  We should all try to be a chraming gardener to make the souls of others blossom in their moment of need.

Getting invigorated – Life is a Highway

21 Tuesday Oct 2008

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“Thanks for doing your civic duty”

Every year we all get that letter.  Jury duty!  Well today I served my first day of the year.  Jury duty in San Francisco like most large cities is a real study on human social anthropology.  You spend half your morning trying to figure out who has a legitimate excuse for not serving and who really does not speak English.  You come back in the afternoon and find that despite being in a City that is 50% Asian that there is only one person of Asian ethnicity possibly on the jury.  As a people watcher, it is better than the DMV though.  There was one guy today who burst out singing Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour.  Believe me, I wouldn’t want that guy on my jury!

The afternoon of jury selection we learn who each other is and both the defense and plaintiff lawyers spend their time trying to figure out if they want to send us home.  I have yet to be asked a single question so I don’t know where I stand.  Tomorrow is the final day of jury selection I suspect.  It is actually very stressful as I look around the room.  The economy is very poor right now and I know many people do not feel comfortable leaving their jobs for several days.  I did have a chance to meet a lady in the Public Health Department who used to work for my dad.   I recognized her from some photos my dad had from work.  She told me that my dad was a wonderful and caring boss and man.  It has been three years, but it still feels good to hear how my dad’s memories still stick with people.

All that sitting around today did invigorate me.  I put lists and lists together as I waited my turn.  Because we were excused early for the day I was able to get home early and re-wire my bedroom and office.  I was also able to finally download some software that I’ve been meaning to do for 3 months,  I also had time to go on a 5 mile run tonight.  Runs for me are best when I have lots on my mind.  I remember where I put things that I lost, I solve problems that have been bugging me, I remember why I love my family and I give thanks to all that has been provided for me. Yes, I am so invigorated and motivated more than ever!  I even voted 2 weeks early for the election.  Secretly i just can’t stand any more people calling me about the elections.

Despite my wife’s recovery from breast cancer still being a “work in progress” we are almost back to normal.  Planning social events (dinners and nights out with friends).  It really is good to see and I am so proud of her.  At first I was just saying that I was proud, but now I really am proud and I think people are impressed to not only see her up and about, but really working so hard.  Right now I know she is feeling bloated from her expanders, but she is not taking any medication (painkillers, etc.).  I did get a chance to look at my wife’s scars today and quite frankly they look really good.  I think she is going to be just fine.

Well that is it for now…more on jury duty tomorrow.

Life is Not Fair – Life is a Highway

20 Monday Oct 2008

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“I sure didn’t see it coming, but it was coming”

Today was another one of those days in life that you don’t forget.  I remember being straight out of college the first day I saw people laid off or fired from work.  It was pretty traumatic back then on Black Monday.  Today wasn’t quite Black Monday but 20 years later it still is painful.  Watching two young kids I hired get laid off along with a dad who has two young kids as well as another who has a baby on the way.  It never feels right and I’m sure it won’t be the last time I have to feel the sorrow.  My friend with 2 kids told me he saw it coming but never thought it would be him.

The economy today just makes everything more complex.

Today was the last day of my wife’s fills and now we wait for the date of what will hopefully be her final surgery.  She looks extremely uncomfortable but doesn’t complain.  Our concern now is (or maybe my biggest concern) that she be happy with the results and comfortable in her own skin (yes, because it is)  Now at 625 ccs, that just seems huge, but I’m sure it will all get adjusted in the end.  I just want her to find herself again.  I hope that isn’t too much to ask.  I want her to find herself for her and not for me.  Today she is trying to find herself for me and not for her.

I told her not to rush things.  I love her and know that things will be normal again in time.  I’ll wait.  Good things come to those who wait.  Life is throwing lots of curves at us right now and we will endure.