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Friday Afternoons with Mom

17 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway, San Francisco - Leaving your heart

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aging, birthday, Burma, cancer, grandmothers, life, survivor, travel

IMG_1011[1]

Last Friday I was driving home early from a downtown meeting when I decided to take a slight detour to visit my mom.  It was her birthday after all and I had yet to wish her a Happy Birthday.  There was a risk though.  She might not be home.  My mother is not your ordinary mid-70s grandmother widow who sits at home in front of the television knitting sweaters for her grandchildren or even baking cookies for her neighbors.  Catching my mother at home is like finding a gambler in his room in Vegas.

I was lucky. And she let me know it.  I caught her on her iPad (I don’t even own one) checking out movie times and booking dinner reservations.  “I’m going to dinner with Pat and Ford, then we’re going to see Oz, the Great Wizard, and then play cards.  Want to come along?”  Oh no I couldn’t burden my mother and drag down all her fun!  The idea of dropping in on my “elderly mother” so she wouldn’t be lonely was preposterous.  I was the lonely one looking for the comfort of knowing that she is perfectly fine.

“Thanks for the birthday wishes.  What are you doing here?” she asked.  I guess it was not obvious.  My mom is so hip she would rather get a Facebook birthday post on her wall.  She wouldn’t want me to waste paper or spend money on stamps.

We finally settled down as she showed me some of her new projects and she handed me some old papers that belonged to my dad.  She became a little somber at the thought of my dad who has been gone for over 7 years now. “I miss James”, she said unprompted.  I do too, but somehow I feel she’s moved on a little better than me and my siblings.  My dad was the ultimate provider.  I remember him visiting his 90-year-old mother in Chinatown after leaving his dental office downtown every day.  He’d check in with her and she’d give him some strange Chinese medicine or dish to give to his family. A mother of 8 children who basically raised them herself in a small 1-bedroom apartment, she still looked after her own despite her son trying to take care of her.  My dad married a similar woman.

My mom, after her brief, moment of reflection pulled out a map.  “So when am I taking you guys to China?”  My mom wants to introduce my wife and kids to their (kids, not wife) Asian ancestry.  There is no other one better to do this.  My parents used to leave us kids home and venture off to China where my dad would lead tours for a month at a time and come back with the very first Walkman ( you remember the one that you clipped to your belt and pull down your pants because it was so heavy?).  I would have loved to have traveled with my grandfather to China, so giving my children the opportunity to do this with their only living Asian grandparent would be a real treat.  Then she said continued, “Don’t worry your dad and I will pay.” Darn, there she goes trying to take care of me again when I am supposed to take care of her.  Of course she had to bring in my departed dad into the picture.  Yes, the great provider is still taking care of us from the heavens and she invoked his spirit knowing I would protest otherwise.

I told her we’d discuss money later, but she continued, “Your dad left me a nice pension, it’s okay, he worked 6 days a week for you kids, not for me. I’ll go to Disney with your sister and her family.  Stop worrying about me.”

Worry?  This is a 70-year-old lady world traveler who readily tells people her zodiac sign before she tells you her name.  She’s a 10 year survivor of breast cancer, a widow, a grandmother of four, a sister to seven brothers, and avid sports fan.  She then hands me a slip of paper. It is a list of chores (pick up the paper and water the flowers) “Don’t forget my itinerary.  I leave for Burma on Friday.”

“What?”  Okay, how many have people have a mom like my mom at her age saying that she is off to Burma?

“Remember Shelley?  I’m going with her mom.  She lost her husband last year and wants to go.  It will be good for her.  Did you know that Burma is one of the last countries to adopt the internet?  In fact the Chairman of Google is going there as well to help explain to them.”  There goes my mother telling me more about the internet than I already know.  Needless to day, she will be the person I call when I have wireless router issues in my own home.

I remind her that Burma is a 3rd World country despite all the pictures of the great food that she will be eating.  She shoves photo after photo in front of me as I tell her to watch herself.  She’s not listening.  I tell her that she doesn’t need her iPhone, but she tells me how she is going to load up the new Justin Timberlake album so she can listen to it on her trip.  Suddenly I am 10 years old again and I’m getting a lecture from my father.  Only this time it is my mom.  She has taken over his role.  She is the great provider.

“Erik, you have to stop worrying about me.  I’ve survived cancer.  I have a second chance.  I’m not going to die without taking care of those around me.  I have a second chance to give everyone my attention.  I’m paying for your trip because I don’t want you and your wife to worry about the money. You have wonderful kids. You can’t be so thrifty that you don’t give your kids a great experience.  I’m helping your uncle because he needs my help (her 60-year-old younger brother needs support and my mother checks on him weekly and gives him a small weekly allowance).  Your dad (there she goes again invoking the spirit of the great provider) and I wanted you to have more than we had and now we want to help you give your kids more than you had.”

Damn, my mother is so right.  I laugh at her strength.  Her willpower and zest for life is amazing.  She is the patron saint of positive attitude.  Sometimes I think she is so naive.  I think she thinks her eldest son is too jaded.  She knows I’m going to worry about her on her trip, but reads my mind, “Don’t worry, will you stop? The worst thing that will happen to your mother on this trip is that I will burn my mouth on all those spicy foods.”

She gives me a big hug and we go on to talk about me, my kids, my family, her family, my friends, her friends, and what seems like her expected travel itinerary for the next decade.  Maybe she should join Dennis Rodman on his next trip to North Korea.  Two hours go by and I’m now late for dinner with my family, but I suddenly feel like my dad and his mother as she gives me a bag full of cookies and teas, and other assorted refrigerated products to bring home, “I don’t want these to be sitting around while I’m gone.”

The next evening we go out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and my daughter’s birthday.  Like the way she will suddenly disappear and travel to the other side of the world, my brother-in-law notices she is trying to pay for her own birthday dinner.  She is frustrated when her intercepts and stops her.  When she gets back to the table, she’s not happy.  I smile at her and she tells me that we are all like our father.  I smile back and tell her that she is like him too.  The great provider.

Cancerversary, Orange Hair, Best Round Ever and Opening Week

09 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway, San Francisco - Sports & Life

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cancer, Giants, golf, survivor

9/9/2012

I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me. – Suzanne Summers, Cancer Survivor

 

                       

Cancer Survivor Race For a Cure

One of the biggest questions in life is not about whether you should put the past behind you, but WHEN you should put your past behind you.  We sometimes hold on to things too long and miss the opportunity to enjoy new things for fear of not showing support or thoughts for those events and people that have marked your life forever.

 

Today was just one of those sobering days. The fact that it is two days before the 11th anniversary of 9/11 as well as the 13th birthday of our son only made it slightly more complicated for my family. Most importantly for us, 9/9 marked the four year anniversary of my wife’s battle with cancer. Cancerversary is a name given to the day of your surgery to remove cancer from your body. While five years is the true date to really start to believe you are in remission, we have truly chosen to move on from cancer in our life. We dwelled on the battle for the last few years, but once my wife started being removed from a few drugs this year we felt like moving on and getting on with our lives would be the best.

 

Ironically, just a few weeks ago we ran into my wife’s oncologist at my cousin’s wedding (my cousin works for her). I realized that even she (the oncologist) tries to stay away from the personal side of cancer when she’s out of the clinic. It was the first time our children met her and I noticed how she just tried to keep her distance. I’m sure she’s seen so many happy stories go bad that the pain can get personal and interfere with her ability to stay even-keeled.  Well I just don’t think we can ever run from cancer. It is all around us. Coincidentally for my wife, the Komen Race for the Cure run fell on this day. My wife and daughter ran. It is such a sisterhood. As each survivor runs across the finish line, you notice the applause is so heartwarming for people you don’t even know.

 

Seeing my wife after the race, her face was glowing. I think we realized that we can’t walk away from cancer. We can move on, but it will always be a part of our lives. Unbeknownst to my wife, my daughter, son and I had a nice little chat about how special the day is and how lucky we are that their mother is still with us. We talked about not making it a big deal, but I could see how special that day was for my kids.  Later on my daughter pulled me aside and said that she was glad to be running alongside her mom.  I’m sure my wife was just as happy for the same reason.

 

For me, I played on the par 3 course I grew up on. I’ve played it 100s of times in my life and finally broke a milestone score!

 

My son and I also celebrated Orange weekend….watching the Giants stretch their lead over the rival Dodgers.

 

And finally we watched my daughter and her team launch their soccer season with a fierce 3-0 shutout.

Golden Gate Park Golf

Beat LA!

Yes, life moves on.

3 Years Later – Still Standing

09 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

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breast cancer, mastectomy, remission, skin-sparing, surgery, survivor, therapy

“Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did.  Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid”  – Elton John

It has been three years since my wife’s cancer surgery.  We haven’t even talked about it being an anniversary of that day.  I know she has been begging her oncologist to be removed from some of the test medications she has been taking.  Maybe 3 years has been enough.  Well today is a milestone.  Probably a milestone my wife would rather forget than celebrate, yet one to set as a marker along the side of the road of life.  I for one still remember that day like it was yesterday.  Reading that blog entry again seems so surreal.

3 years.  Since then it has been:

  • 3 more surgeries.
  • Taking 4 huge  pills daily. Although she can tell you, I don’t know if I can tell you what they are for.  One is to fight the reoccurrence of cancer, another is for the side  effects and another is to balance out the side effects is all I know.
  • Additionally there is that monthly shot that leaves her belly black and blue for a week
  • Then there is the 3 times a week physical therapy.  That knife thing scares me.  It is supposed to smooth out the skin and prevent the build up of scar tissue, but it is just ridiculous,
  • There is the monthly counseling with the oncologist and staff, and
  • There is the monthly meeting to go over the test results of her medications.

Despite being a daily voluntary lab rat the last several years to help studies for future victims of cancer, my wife has really embraced life more than ever and it has changed her.  Her strength and her courage are beyond what I ever imagined she had in her.  Those changes in her life mentioned above might be considered inconveniences to many of us, but she takes it all in stride to the point where she forgets to tell me that she had an appointment until the day is over and to say that the oncologist told her to say hi to me.

They say that you aren’t truly in remission until you pass the five year mark, but my wife is already a Survivor.  More than that, she is a Winner.

This Time’s A Charm Interview & Book Review

28 Saturday Feb 2009

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

book, cancer, donald, Inspiration, review, survivor, this time's a charm, wilhelm

Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!”  – Kenny Chesney 
This Times A Charm by Donald Wilhelm

This Time's A Charm by Donald Wilhelm

Well I have the honor of being the last stop on Donald Wilhelm’s “This Time’s A Charm” blog book tour.  Before getting into my interview with  Donald below, I have to say that I wasn’t sure about reading another cancer book even if he had survived Hodgkins Lymphoma 4 times. Having lost a college roommate to cancer, watching my mom, cousins, aunts and most recently my own wife deal with breast cancer, another book on cancer just didn’t really appeal to me. I’d done a lot of research on my wife’s behalf to help her through her battle against breast cancer this past year and we are just beginning to get our post-cancer lives back.  But such as life we find inspiration in all kinds of places from all kinds of people and all kinds of actions.www.thistimesacharm.com or click here to go directly to the Amazon.com purchase page.  I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald.  If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:

I found Donald’s book to be inspiring, insightful, honest, and just relevant to what I needed. In life I always look for inspiration to help myself and others, and for my mother and wife when they battled breast cancer I always pointed to Lance Armstrong and his mental toughness.  There are other celebrity examples out there like Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow and Patrick Swayze, but Donald’s story hit me not only as a good story about cancer, but a story about life.  You see, although it helps, I don’t think you need to be someone touched by cancer to get something out of Donald’s book.  Donald’s story doesn’t glamorize anything about his battle and survival which makes it more real and something that anyone touched by cancer or going through troubled times can relate to.  Donald takes us through the cold reality of each one of his treatments and surgeries and provides a non-clinical view of what the patient goes through emotionally and physically.  Better yet, what Donald does is=2 0typical of his personality.  He doesn’t question things without giving his own opinion or answer.  He always has his own solution for coping with what a cancer patient will go through.

If you are a Carpe Diem person, someone who believes in the power of positive thinking, or just finds inspiration in real life stories that give you that extra push to remind you about how much you need to respect life and all that surrounds you, then this book is one that I recommend.

I happened to finish this book as I took my wife for a Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas to see Elton John. For me this was my way of saying to my wife that we should get moving with life and start trying to put cancer behind us.  It was my wife’s first trip, time away from our kids and time to think of her own pleasure and happiness.  As I hit the end of the book and took in it’s messages as our plane descended into Vegas, I found myself nudging my wife and having her read passage after passage.  I saw her smiling, nodding and crying as she read each page.  She got it.  It was time to start living her life

I’m not going to give away the key messages of the book because everyone will take something different from it, but I have some questions for Donald in an interview that will hopefully give you some insight to parts of the book that I really related to the most (especially as a caregiver).

Route53: Donald, let me just s ay that your story is inspiring on some many levels.  Even without the message of surviving cancer 4 times I would have found your book inspiring.  As a caregiver my first thought was to read who you dedicated the book to: Your wife Amy, friends, family and doctor.  As I hit the end of the first page I had to recheck my facts.  It talks about your wife Sara (not Amy).  It always saddens me to read about a spouse who leave s their loved one at a time of need (What the heck happedned to “in sickness and in health”?).  As I read about your separation and other parts of your life I seemed to notice you let people leave your life fairly easily.  Is this just the way you wrote the book to not dwell on those matters?  Were you not wanting to drag loved ones into your cancer world?

DW: Well, I spent a lot of time while I was isolated with the disease and really took the time to evaluate some of my “friendships” at the time.  There’s nothing like a life-threatening disease to help you quickly sift through true friends from the others.  What I found was that most of the people I had been spending time with seem to be “takers” and I was always the one that had to be “giving.”  I came to realize how draining that had been on me and I knew it couldn’t not continue, nor should it.  Life is short.  I now choose to spend my time with positive-natured people who only add to my life and don’t detract
from it.

Route53: Although you have fought a strong battle on your own, for me there are three major people who were the core of your battle.  In your book, you touch on surrounding yourself with the right people so I would like to focus on these caregivers.  Let’s first talk about your choice of  Dr. Jeff.  In the book you talk about how you chose him.  What further insight can you tell us about Dr. Jeff that you found was fitting for you, not just as a doctor, but as a person.  Tell us about your relationship with Dr. Jeff today.

DW:  Dr. Jeff is simply awesome.  He’s very down-to-Earth, yet he is an excellent doctor who’s always up on the latest studies and research.  I frankly have no idea how he has enough time in any given day to do what he does.  Today, our relationship is as strong as possible.  He respects me as a patient who runs his own healthcare team and I respect him as
the quarterback, counting on him to think out-of-the-box at times and run an audible if necessary.

Route53: My favorite person in your book is your cousin Dave, a totally selfless person (although I laughed at the halfway house he created for people and pets).  Give Dave a big high five for me.  He did more for you than most spouses do for their own loved ones who are suffering from cancer.  He just seems to be a guy who puts everyone before himself.  Tell us about Dave and the relationship you have with him.  What makes him special in your mind that allows him to just give all he has to anyone.  Were you two very close before the cancer arrived?

DW: Dave and I were close before my diagnosis.  I always said we were part cousins, part brothers and part best friends.  I can’t tell you what makes him tick, because honestly, most of the time I’m left scratching my head trying to figure him out.  But the one steadfast quality he has, that everyone knows about, is that if you’re in need you can and should count on him.

Route53: Your second wife Amy is obviously a special person to you and helped you with much of the shaping of your life as it is today. My college roommate got married to his highschool sweetheart while he was suffering from cancer as well. If I could have changed one thing about your book, it is that you would have found Amy 5 years earlier.  You talk about how Amy didn’t flinch when you told her about your cancer.  Tell us what it is about her that is different from your first wife and your other relationship that you had during your battle with cancer.  Perhaps Amy knew what she was signing up for in a relationship with you?  Is it that she has dealt with cancer before?  At the same time, what made you ready to let someone new close into your life at that point in time?

DW:  Amy really is an incredible person.  She has a heart of gold and simply loves to help other people.  But the reason that she was able to stand by me, no matter what, is that she truly understands that none of us are guaranteed any amount of time in this life.  Most people say things like, “well, you never know when you’re number will be up.”  But I find that when push comes to shove, these same folks panic and cower in fear of death.  Amy understands death and isn’t overly afraid of it.  That being said, she maintains a healthy zest for life and we live each day to the fullest.  Like Kenny Chesney said, “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!”  😉

Route53:  We had the same issue as you with the psychiatrist. When my own wife chose to see a psychiatrist before her bilateral mastectomy, I asked if that doctor had gone through cancer and she hadn’t.  At that time I told my wife I didn’t think she needed this woman’s advice.  It was the first appointment I didn’t go to with my wife and she became so anxious after her visit that she had to start taking Ativan again.  I just want you to know that you would make the perfect psychiatrist for cancer patients.  Have you realized that you have become the answer for what you yourself needed?  I noticed on another blog that you are continuing to help with Dr. Jeff’s patients.

DW:  Actually, that’s a great way to put that.  I do, now, know that the answers I need were inside of me all the time.  I have simply learn to ask different questions of myself, thereby making the game of life a bit easier to win.  And why wouldn’t we do it that way?

As for me becoming a therapist, I kinda already view myself as such, but in a very informal manner.  I’m trained by life, and my advice is simple and hard hitting.  In fact, this is the reason that I wrote my book.  So that whomever needed or wanted to fully understand my story, could just pick up a copy and read it at their own pace.  I’ve found most people have been reading it multiple times and gaining more perspectives from it each time.

Route53: Chapter 11 and the catchy title you give it was that rough point in your battle.  In a way I looked at it as an almost necessary evil. My feeling is that everyone hits that point in their recovery.  Maybe not as reckless as you became, but I’m sure there are people who can relate to that chapter in some small way.   Like you I believe in experiential learning.  I’m sure you got something positive out of that time of your life.  Can you share with us what experiences or learnings you got out of that time of your life helped shape your philosphy today? 

DW:  I think the most important lessons I learned from that period of my life was to watch your emotions and actively managed them.  It’s hard for me to really remember that time of my life and what I must have been feeling inside.  I must have been very lonely.  Fortunately now, I know that I’ll never end up in the place again.

Route53:  You ask your readers to read Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters” and Rhonda Walker’s, “The Secret”.  Do you have any other good inspirational books or articles that we should read? Have you be en inspired in your battle?  If so, who has been your inspiration?

DW: I’d definitely recommend Anthony Robbins’ “Now Awaken the Giant Within.”

Route53:  What have you personally gained from writing this book that you didn’t expect or maybe were not quite expecting? 

DW:  Great question Erik.  Well I’d say the biggest surprise is my readers’ responses to it.  I was hopeful that everyone would like the book, but the depth of the feedback I get is overwhelming at times.  My book seems to touch people in a way that really makes a positive and LASTING impact on their lives.  That’s an incredible feeling for me!

 SUMMARY: If you want to purchase This Time’s A Charm, please go to: www.thistimesacharm.com   I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald.  If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:

“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule

2/16/09 www.fightpink.org 
2/17/09 www.cancerbookreview.blogspot.com
2/18/09 www.uniboobclub.blogspot.com
2/19/09 www.moutray.wordpress.com
2/20/09 www.makesomelemondae.com
2/21/09 www.awesomecancersurvivor.com
2/23/09 www.serendipityfactory.com 
2/24/09 www.everythingchangesbook.com
2/25/09 www.cancercornerlive.blogspot.com
2/27/09 www.appendix-cancer.blogspot.com 
2/28/09 www.imtooyoungforthis.org 
03/1/09 www.route53.wordpress.com

This Time's A Charm Interview & Book Review

28 Saturday Feb 2009

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

book, cancer, donald, Inspiration, review, survivor, this time's a charm, wilhelm

Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!”  – Kenny Chesney 
This Times A Charm by Donald Wilhelm

This Time's A Charm by Donald Wilhelm

Well I have the honor of being the last stop on Donald Wilhelm’s “This Time’s A Charm” blog book tour.  Before getting into my interview with  Donald below, I have to say that I wasn’t sure about reading another cancer book even if he had survived Hodgkins Lymphoma 4 times. Having lost a college roommate to cancer, watching my mom, cousins, aunts and most recently my own wife deal with breast cancer, another book on cancer just didn’t really appeal to me. I’d done a lot of research on my wife’s behalf to help her through her battle against breast cancer this past year and we are just beginning to get our post-cancer lives back.  But such as life we find inspiration in all kinds of places from all kinds of people and all kinds of actions.www.thistimesacharm.com or click here to go directly to the Amazon.com purchase page.  I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald.  If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:

I found Donald’s book to be inspiring, insightful, honest, and just relevant to what I needed. In life I always look for inspiration to help myself and others, and for my mother and wife when they battled breast cancer I always pointed to Lance Armstrong and his mental toughness.  There are other celebrity examples out there like Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow and Patrick Swayze, but Donald’s story hit me not only as a good story about cancer, but a story about life.  You see, although it helps, I don’t think you need to be someone touched by cancer to get something out of Donald’s book.  Donald’s story doesn’t glamorize anything about his battle and survival which makes it more real and something that anyone touched by cancer or going through troubled times can relate to.  Donald takes us through the cold reality of each one of his treatments and surgeries and provides a non-clinical view of what the patient goes through emotionally and physically.  Better yet, what Donald does is=2 0typical of his personality.  He doesn’t question things without giving his own opinion or answer.  He always has his own solution for coping with what a cancer patient will go through.

If you are a Carpe Diem person, someone who believes in the power of positive thinking, or just finds inspiration in real life stories that give you that extra push to remind you about how much you need to respect life and all that surrounds you, then this book is one that I recommend.

I happened to finish this book as I took my wife for a Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas to see Elton John. For me this was my way of saying to my wife that we should get moving with life and start trying to put cancer behind us.  It was my wife’s first trip, time away from our kids and time to think of her own pleasure and happiness.  As I hit the end of the book and took in it’s messages as our plane descended into Vegas, I found myself nudging my wife and having her read passage after passage.  I saw her smiling, nodding and crying as she read each page.  She got it.  It was time to start living her life

I’m not going to give away the key messages of the book because everyone will take something different from it, but I have some questions for Donald in an interview that will hopefully give you some insight to parts of the book that I really related to the most (especially as a caregiver).

Route53: Donald, let me just s ay that your story is inspiring on some many levels.  Even without the message of surviving cancer 4 times I would have found your book inspiring.  As a caregiver my first thought was to read who you dedicated the book to: Your wife Amy, friends, family and doctor.  As I hit the end of the first page I had to recheck my facts.  It talks about your wife Sara (not Amy).  It always saddens me to read about a spouse who leave s their loved one at a time of need (What the heck happedned to “in sickness and in health”?).  As I read about your separation and other parts of your life I seemed to notice you let people leave your life fairly easily.  Is this just the way you wrote the book to not dwell on those matters?  Were you not wanting to drag loved ones into your cancer world?

DW: Well, I spent a lot of time while I was isolated with the disease and really took the time to evaluate some of my “friendships” at the time.  There’s nothing like a life-threatening disease to help you quickly sift through true friends from the others.  What I found was that most of the people I had been spending time with seem to be “takers” and I was always the one that had to be “giving.”  I came to realize how draining that had been on me and I knew it couldn’t not continue, nor should it.  Life is short.  I now choose to spend my time with positive-natured people who only add to my life and don’t detract
from it.

Route53: Although you have fought a strong battle on your own, for me there are three major people who were the core of your battle.  In your book, you touch on surrounding yourself with the right people so I would like to focus on these caregivers.  Let’s first talk about your choice of  Dr. Jeff.  In the book you talk about how you chose him.  What further insight can you tell us about Dr. Jeff that you found was fitting for you, not just as a doctor, but as a person.  Tell us about your relationship with Dr. Jeff today.

DW:  Dr. Jeff is simply awesome.  He’s very down-to-Earth, yet he is an excellent doctor who’s always up on the latest studies and research.  I frankly have no idea how he has enough time in any given day to do what he does.  Today, our relationship is as strong as possible.  He respects me as a patient who runs his own healthcare team and I respect him as
the quarterback, counting on him to think out-of-the-box at times and run an audible if necessary.

Route53: My favorite person in your book is your cousin Dave, a totally selfless person (although I laughed at the halfway house he created for people and pets).  Give Dave a big high five for me.  He did more for you than most spouses do for their own loved ones who are suffering from cancer.  He just seems to be a guy who puts everyone before himself.  Tell us about Dave and the relationship you have with him.  What makes him special in your mind that allows him to just give all he has to anyone.  Were you two very close before the cancer arrived?

DW: Dave and I were close before my diagnosis.  I always said we were part cousins, part brothers and part best friends.  I can’t tell you what makes him tick, because honestly, most of the time I’m left scratching my head trying to figure him out.  But the one steadfast quality he has, that everyone knows about, is that if you’re in need you can and should count on him.

Route53: Your second wife Amy is obviously a special person to you and helped you with much of the shaping of your life as it is today. My college roommate got married to his highschool sweetheart while he was suffering from cancer as well. If I could have changed one thing about your book, it is that you would have found Amy 5 years earlier.  You talk about how Amy didn’t flinch when you told her about your cancer.  Tell us what it is about her that is different from your first wife and your other relationship that you had during your battle with cancer.  Perhaps Amy knew what she was signing up for in a relationship with you?  Is it that she has dealt with cancer before?  At the same time, what made you ready to let someone new close into your life at that point in time?

DW:  Amy really is an incredible person.  She has a heart of gold and simply loves to help other people.  But the reason that she was able to stand by me, no matter what, is that she truly understands that none of us are guaranteed any amount of time in this life.  Most people say things like, “well, you never know when you’re number will be up.”  But I find that when push comes to shove, these same folks panic and cower in fear of death.  Amy understands death and isn’t overly afraid of it.  That being said, she maintains a healthy zest for life and we live each day to the fullest.  Like Kenny Chesney said, “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!”  😉

Route53:  We had the same issue as you with the psychiatrist. When my own wife chose to see a psychiatrist before her bilateral mastectomy, I asked if that doctor had gone through cancer and she hadn’t.  At that time I told my wife I didn’t think she needed this woman’s advice.  It was the first appointment I didn’t go to with my wife and she became so anxious after her visit that she had to start taking Ativan again.  I just want you to know that you would make the perfect psychiatrist for cancer patients.  Have you realized that you have become the answer for what you yourself needed?  I noticed on another blog that you are continuing to help with Dr. Jeff’s patients.

DW:  Actually, that’s a great way to put that.  I do, now, know that the answers I need were inside of me all the time.  I have simply learn to ask different questions of myself, thereby making the game of life a bit easier to win.  And why wouldn’t we do it that way?

As for me becoming a therapist, I kinda already view myself as such, but in a very informal manner.  I’m trained by life, and my advice is simple and hard hitting.  In fact, this is the reason that I wrote my book.  So that whomever needed or wanted to fully understand my story, could just pick up a copy and read it at their own pace.  I’ve found most people have been reading it multiple times and gaining more perspectives from it each time.

Route53: Chapter 11 and the catchy title you give it was that rough point in your battle.  In a way I looked at it as an almost necessary evil. My feeling is that everyone hits that point in their recovery.  Maybe not as reckless as you became, but I’m sure there are people who can relate to that chapter in some small way.   Like you I believe in experiential learning.  I’m sure you got something positive out of that time of your life.  Can you share with us what experiences or learnings you got out of that time of your life helped shape your philosphy today? 

DW:  I think the most important lessons I learned from that period of my life was to watch your emotions and actively managed them.  It’s hard for me to really remember that time of my life and what I must have been feeling inside.  I must have been very lonely.  Fortunately now, I know that I’ll never end up in the place again.

Route53:  You ask your readers to read Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters” and Rhonda Walker’s, “The Secret”.  Do you have any other good inspirational books or articles that we should read? Have you be en inspired in your battle?  If so, who has been your inspiration?

DW: I’d definitely recommend Anthony Robbins’ “Now Awaken the Giant Within.”

Route53:  What have you personally gained from writing this book that you didn’t expect or maybe were not quite expecting? 

DW:  Great question Erik.  Well I’d say the biggest surprise is my readers’ responses to it.  I was hopeful that everyone would like the book, but the depth of the feedback I get is overwhelming at times.  My book seems to touch people in a way that really makes a positive and LASTING impact on their lives.  That’s an incredible feeling for me!

 SUMMARY: If you want to purchase This Time’s A Charm, please go to: www.thistimesacharm.com   I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald.  If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:

“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule

2/16/09 www.fightpink.org 
2/17/09 www.cancerbookreview.blogspot.com
2/18/09 www.uniboobclub.blogspot.com
2/19/09 www.moutray.wordpress.com
2/20/09 www.makesomelemondae.com
2/21/09 www.awesomecancersurvivor.com
2/23/09 www.serendipityfactory.com 
2/24/09 www.everythingchangesbook.com
2/25/09 www.cancercornerlive.blogspot.com
2/27/09 www.appendix-cancer.blogspot.com 
2/28/09 www.imtooyoungforthis.org 
03/1/09 www.route53.wordpress.com

Not A Breast Cancer Survivor – But A Survivor Nonetheless

05 Monday Jan 2009

Posted by route53 in Route 53 - Celebrity Sightings

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Asian, celebrity, Kwon, Red Mango, survivor, Yul

In this crazy world of social media and digital technology, I’m sometimes lucky to get caught with a camera available when I run into someone who has had their 15 minutes of fame. Some more relevant than others.

One of my favorite shows is the reality TV show Survivor. I like it for the human dynamics involved. There is teamwork, strategy, ethics, and lots of luck. Much like there is in life. Many times I wonder how I’d do on a show like that. When I first watched the show, I became mortified by the decisions people made and the people that won. Finally on Survivor, they had a guy I could relate to. It wasn’t that Yul Kwon was Asian like me (or just as good looking – Note he was once one of People Magazine’s Most eligible Bachelors), but the way he played the game was great.  He was also reaised in Northern California, had an advanced professional degree and spent time in consulting.

Yul is now entering the entrepreneurial space of frozen dessert with the company Red Mango.  As I own several Ben & Jerry franchises, he and his partners came to me with a few questions and I had a business proposition to discuss as well.  Below is a photo of my wife, Yul and me (I took that photo 15 pounds ago) at his store in Palo Alto on University.  Yep, a millionaire served me some yogurt.

My wife, Yul Kwon, and some guy who needed to lose weight

My wife, Yul Kwon, and some guy who needed to lose weight

Remembering to Smell the Roses

27 Monday Oct 2008

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

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Tags

Breast, cancer, lumpectomy, mastectomy, roses, Route53, skin, sparing, survivor

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy.  They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom” – Proust

Today’s quote was in a card we got from the family of one our kid’s schoolmates.  This family lost their mother this past summer after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  She was only 39.  This means she was only 33 when diagnosed and by then it was too late.  They say women she start getting yearly mammograms around ages 35-40.  They should start getting them earlier than that.  And even then mammograms aren’t always helpful.

The card hit me particularly hard.  It was sent from the father and the two sons.  When I think how close I was to that being me I just couldn’t focus all weekend.  I just can’t imagine what it is like to be a young father and having to raise two children on my own.  I remember when I would go the funerals of the fathers of my friends and cousins I would cry for them and for me.  I knew it would hurt the day I lost my own dad.  When it did happen to me I wasn’t able to cry.  it came out slowly over several years.  Now every time I see a parent die prematurely I will cry for those children, but when it happens to me I obviously won’t be able to cry.

This morning I had an early morning meeting with a potential partner.  When the meeting started the San Francisco weather was its usual overacast and fog.  When I came out it was beautifully sunny.  After dropping my colleagues at the airport I was hungry.  Of course in these recession times I figured some dim sum from San Francisco’s Clement St. would make a nice cheap lunch and I’d see if my wife could meet me at home since it was on the way back.  I remember those old movies when the husband would come home for lunch.  I knew she was lonely at home and I just needed to see her.  You don’t get to do this often.  This past weekend we went on our first real night out since her surgery.  Of course all we did on our first night without the kids was talk about the kids and go grocery shopping.

This time although it was just a 25 minute lunch, it seemed more special since it was spontaneous.  We felt like we were stealing time together after all these years.  it does take moments like this that help you to smell the roses.  We didn’t have to say to each other how nice it was to eat a lunch together on a Monday.  It was just understood. 

More moments like this are needed in our daily lives.  Smelling the Roses opens the senses, makes you smile, and reminds you why you give the maximum effort each day.  We should all try to be a chraming gardener to make the souls of others blossom in their moment of need.

Peace & Quiet – Creating a Calm Before the Storm (A Loving Fight with Cancer)

28 Thursday Aug 2008

Posted by route53 in Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

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Tags

Breast, cancer, fight, husband, karma, love, lumpectomy, mastectomy, sin-sparing, surgery, survivor

“In peace, we shall find solitude and in solitude we shall find clarity.  In clarity we will gather the strength we need to succeed.”

Yesterday was abstinence day.  No talking about “it”.  We spent our first full day of not worrying about “it” or planning for “it” or thinking about “it”.  We needed a break and my wife was surprised at how easy it was to really immerse herself in life.  Kids, school, work, etc. all just seemed to be more rich. 

This morning I showed her the article on breastcancer.org which talk about how a positive disposition led to 25% less risk of cancer.  Kind of a silly article.  I’m sure more depressed people smoke and drink or have bad eating habits that are not good for you, but I don’t think it means that having a good disposition can heal you.  We do agree that when struck by such bad news that a negative attitude is not a fighting attitude.  There is no gain to our children in being depressed when hit with adversity.  Showing our children how we move through difficult times with a level head is one of the best lessons we can teach our children.

We still are monitoring our children daily for signs of stress and are keeping the conversations away from them.  We have decided that i will get them used to me or other people taking them to school so that they aren’t worried the day mommy goes into surgery and really won’t know until after it is over.  As for our social activity, we have been running ragged getting vacations and other things done as we feel like we might be limited in that way for the next several months.  But we aren’t social butterflies anyway so we have learned to start saying no to people and trying to keep our schedule pretty clear until the day of the surgery (actually the day before the surgery).  In fact people have been asking me how I can remain so calm.  I really can’t say that I am.  I’m still feeling tired during the day.  There is a layer deep inside me filled with adrenalin worrying about my wife.  I’m finding myself being tired everyday when I get home.

 I know this is a tangent, but we’ve been getting lots of inquiries about our surgery that my wife will be undergoing.  It appears that my wife’s skin-sparing mastectomy surgery is a little different.  I will be writing more about it tomorrow.

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