Tag Archives: surgery

Now is the Time – A Loving Fight

08 Monday Dec 2008

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Now is the Time When You Show How Much You Care – Ronnie Lott

I was driving to work today listening to talk radio and heard Hall of Fame defensive back Ronnie Lott talking about his foundation and giving.  I was thinking to myself about how hard it must be to give at this time of year and in this economy.  Doing some of my own fundraising for our kid’s school I was sensitive to his comments.  But he inspired me by saying how he didn’t get as much from everyone but got more people to participate.

I’m feeling that right now.  As I ran last night I was thinking about my “Secret Santa” exchange which our family set up and just remembered how fortunate I feel that my wife is still with me and that my kids still have their mother.  I’ve decided that I have all the gifts I need.  If someone wants to give me a gift, they can donate those dollars to my wife’s cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center.  My family is pretty bitter that I’m ruining their Secret Santa because I don’t want anything, but that is truly how I feel.  Even if they gave me something I truly want or have wanted, I just can’t enjoy it this year.  Now is not the time for me to be greedy.  I know my family wants to give me something, but I’ve been a materialistic person my whole life and right now my wife is the only thing I want and am so glad to have her.  

Maybe it is the stress of the holiday season, work integration projects, the bad economy, and my wife’s upcoming surgery this Friday, but I just can’t sleep or feel like I can rest.  Now is not the time to be selfish.  No matter how bad life is, the only way to feel better right now is not to feel sorry for onesself, but to make yourself feel better through the gift of giving to others.

Maybe my wife’s energy level is what is driving me.  She seems to be so strong now while on OS, Tamoxifen and bisphosphonates while staring surgery in the face again.  I just don’t know how she does it, but maybe for her now is the time as well.  I can only gather strength from her this holiday season which will be the greatest gift of all.

Confidence is a Drug – Life is a Highway

24 Monday Nov 2008

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“I am Superwoman, Put an S on my chest” – Alicia Keys

Continuing my theme of letting go, my wife is starting to do a lot of little things which are showing her confidence and need for independence from going grocery shopping alone to resuming her exercise.  It is a simple thing sometimes but I can trace this renewed energy just from a simple invite from some of the “popular moms” in our kids school who asked her to join them for an evening out.  It really made my wife feel good to still fit in.  I know her confidence wiill ebb over the next few months as she goes through her recontstruction and deal with both the emotional and physical scars.

Interestingly enough we had the same conversation about confidence with our own children.  We want to teach them humbleness.  While both are well liked by their classmates we want to teach them to be humble individuals and help them for the inevitable day when they receive rejection and teach them how to handle it.

Part of gaining confidence is providing exposure to as much as possible.  As a parent it is our job to show our children as much as we can while providing guidance.  As we go through our lives our parenting takes on many forms that are influenced by our own experiences.  We sometimes learn by giving our children things that our parents couldn’t give us or providing many of those same experiences.  For me, I miss those moments with my dad and this weekend I was able to take my son to his 1st  Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford football), but it is was more than just a game.  As I say, it is always the experience of getting there, and taking a 9 year old to Berkeley is always an eye-opening experience.  Blondies Pizza, Top Dog, the homeless, Rasputin’s Records, etc are all part of the mystique after taking Bart to Berkeley.  For our son (and some day our daughter) the experience started with listening to the Cal Band. 

After listening to the Cal Band we marched up to the stadium with them.  The smile and laughter that he had watching the band made me tear up.  30 years ago that was me with my dad.  I only hope my dad felt as satisfied with giving me that same experience and I showed him the same amount of gratitude.  The casual conversation about the history of the schools and the area were part of a great day of bonding that hopefully will create many pleasant memories for my son because they sure did for me.

My wife and I are still being cautious about the post-surgery experience and what it will mean to us.  I think we know how it will be physically but psychologically we’ve been talking about some of our concerns and issues each night.  We will have to work through it, but at the moment we aren’t sure what those exact issues will be.  What we do know is that we have to be observant of each other’s behavior and let each other know when we observe anything.

One thing we did agree upon though is that leading into this Thanksgiving, we will not be at a loss for things we will be thankful for.

Learning to Let Go – Life is a Highway

20 Thursday Nov 2008

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“Don’t worry, you just have to let go”

Every day we reach those milestones.  As parents we look for new ones every day. As caregivers we help people cross new paths.  Today was a simple one.  Just crossing the street. Yes, today our son crossed the street for the first time by himself.  As a parent I watched the whole thing and felt so proud.  Unfortunately my wife was not so happy.  I told her she was going to have to learn to let go and know that this was a great chance to learn especially under the watch of a parent.

Well this might seem trivial to some, but I think it is a learning experience for both me and my wife.  She has always been from a family that is very conservative and controlling.  It is a tendency she tries to avoid.  Although she admitted that what my son did was fine, she was still hyper-critical.  I reminded her of how her own parents invaded her life as she got into her 20s and how she hated it.  I told her she had better learn to let go before her children not tell her when they did something for fear of being nagged to death.  In  fact i reminded her that her our son is very similar to me and that I have been known to go my own way without telling my wife when I fear her overmanaging a situation.  I told her that I don’t want our children to be the same way.

I’ve been thinking about it and I myself have to learn to let go.  I have to stop treating my wife’s condition like she’s going to break.  Although I’m not blocking my wife from returning to normal.  I have been jumping to do things for her and need to let her get used to doing things on her own again.  I am preventing her healing process from accelerating.  Baby steps at first like crossing the street but I have to make sure she has that chance to spread her wings as wide as she feels comfortable.  I asked her if this was an issue and she said it wasn’t but understood how I was feeling and told me that she was okay and ready to get on with her recovery.

I GUESS LIFE GOES ON..at least for another couple weeks until her next surgery.  She did mention that she talked to another mom from the school who just found out that she has cancer too.  Turns out that she has the same surgeon that my wife and mother had.    Pretty small world and quite amazing.

Well that’s me.  Signing off and letting go.

It Just Doesn’t Stop – A Loving Fight

20 Thursday Nov 2008

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

It Just Doesn't Stop – A Loving Fight

20 Thursday Nov 2008

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

Power of Positive – Life is a Highway

17 Monday Nov 2008

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“I don’t want to be a Ee-yore”

I got back from my run tonight and realized that I am just short of 1,000 miles for the year.  Since I don’t run competitively anymore it really means 6500 minutes of thinking time.  Time to contemplate my life, my problems, my failures, my hopes and most importantly my solutions.

I’ve always thought that there has to be an answer to things.  Most importantly, there is an answer to sadness and failure.  You just have to think things out.  This weekend while seemingly normal (if you can call it that) It has been hard lately in our house.  It was a hard weekend emotionally as we had to revisit our situation.  Once the negative thoughts and comments creep in, it just changes the tone of our home.  I noticed my wife was raining on my parade a bit over the last week.  She’s always been the realist in our relationship while I have been the dreamer.  We have always worked hard to balance each other out without the expense of ruining the other person’s day.  This has changed though, recently, and we had to have a bit of a discussion to clear the air.  Lots of tears were shed.  Thoughts of frustration over the delay of surgery and the starting of Tamoxifen treatment had a greater change in outlook than expected.

I also realized that I was remaining distant.  It wasn’t because i was avioiding my wife but rather because she was pushing me away by not wanting to hear my opinion.  It is hard. You try to be selfish with your time, yet to be there for the other psrson.  I’m finding it hard to stay positive for the both of us when I’m tired and not feeling heard.

Last week our visit to the oncologist was long as usual.  I went along for support.  It had been a while since i had been back to the cancer clinic and although it is a pleasant place for a cancer clinic, it is a place where you lose your ability to control the situation.  The wait for our reknowned oncologist while waiting in an 8′ x 10′ foot room is always nerve-wracking.  It gave us time to communicate though.  I told my wife that although I was there to support her, the decision she made for her treatment was all hers.  I told her any kind of optional treatment that meant getting shots or inconveniencing myself were my deal breakers although that ahould not be method of reasoning.  She agreed and after listening to the fellow, she told me she was going to choose Tamoxifen with Ovarian suppression.    I told her I was definitely going to support her no matter what.  Well 10 minutes later and her oncologist walks in and convinces her to go with a bisphosphonate trial.

As we walked out, my wife said, “I know what you are thinking.”  I told her it was typical of her not going with my opinion and even worse not sticking with her own convictions.  I told her I was still okay with her choice, but I could tell she was frustrated with herself.  This carried into her negative thoughts and comments over the last few days.  She was frustrated in not being able to control things and that for once she was not able to do it her way or felt like she was just putting her life in the hands of another.

I told her that her concerns were legitimate and that she was just going to have to stick with her convictions or be more open to listening to others.  On the other hand I promised to not be so “darned positive”.

Well we should hear tomorrow when the next surgery will be.  That should help bury some of the frustration of not knowing and not being in charge.

Living in Limbo – The Highway of Life

12 Wednesday Nov 2008

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Is it making you laugh?  Is it making you cry? – Sugarland

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with my wife’s oncologist.  I hope we can come to a decision on what we are doing going forward.  We really are in limbo here.  I feel as if we are being held captive by surgery dates, concerns about travel, medications, etc.  Holiday travel and just getting on with life and living it the way we’ve discussed is what we are looking forward to.  I’m already looking forward to taking her to see Elton John in Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2009.  Its one of those once in a lifetime shows that I think we need to see.  We just missed seeing James Brown last year and had tickets to see a show but he died.

As I mentioned in my last entry, this journey has really helped me to assess my love for my wife.  Each night when I run, I remind myself of all of our great memories and all the things I still want to do with her.  They say when you run, you can get a runner’s high.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I matched my highschool cross country times from over 20 years ago on our cross country course. I wasn’t even trying and I was a little shocked when I checked my watch.  It was a full minute faster than I’d been runing this month.  All I remember doing was listening some music by Sugarland and the next thing you know my run was over.  I barely even remember running up the steep hill near the end of my run.  I was listening so intently to the lyrics of one of their songs, I just lost track of my time.

Well eat your heart Dara Torres!  I too can do in my 40s what those half our age can do.  Now I just wish we could find the time to accomplish more in life.

Making a Difference & Feeling Fortunate

08 Wednesday Oct 2008

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“This is a part of me now.  Even without religion, this would be my religion”

Tomorrow morning we will meet the oncologist and hopefully get all our questions out of the way.  What is our score?  What does that mean?  What choices are there?  What are the risks?  What are the side effects?  How will that effect my/our lifestyle?  Blah! Blah! Blah!

My wife the eternal list maker has worked on a total of 4 pages of questions.  When she passed the list to me I could only smile.  She had the energy to create one of her famous “lists”.  Also on the list was, “Will it change my relationship with my husband?”  I told her to scratch it as I could answer that for her.  The answer is “yes”.  “Yes that it already has changed our love.  It has put it under a microscope and magnified it for us to inspect and see that it is okay.  It has shown us that we have enough love to go around”.

I know that it wasn’t “that kind of love” she was talking about, but I wanted her to know that the side effects weren’t going to change anything about how I feel and shouldn’t be a reason to change her decision.

Still uncomfortable, she calls her expanders a bullet proof vest or a chastity bra.  Humor has come out of her that I’ve never seen before.  Calling herself the Bionic Woman..”We can rebuild her…stronger, faster…” and wondering where she might be able to find those Gauthier cone bras that Madonna wore in the 90s are all ways of her making light of the uncomfortable feeling she has on her chest.  I know it is her way of coping.  I think she didn’t want to watch the chemo / hormone therapy tape last night because she purposely wanted me to just tell it like it is.  That tape was like a movie both of us dreaded watching, but was a real thinking video which made us realize how much thought we/she is/are going to have to put into the treatment plan.

Chemo would be a drag.  She has gotten almost all of her energy back and her desire to take back some of the responsibilities that I had taken over are there.  The chemo would seriously be a setback so we’ll see tomorrow.  All signs point to no chemo, but I think we’ll breathe an even heavier sigh once that option comes out of the mouth of her oncologist.

Tonight she got a call from her OB/GYN, the one who discovered the cancer.  This is what medicine used to be.  Your doctor calling to see how you are doing out of the blue.  It had been a while and since my wife self-referred herself to a different medical group for surgery and oncology, she hadn’t been as visible to everything as she normally would have.  She is getting her records which is a good thing as we wanted to make sure that she knew where my wife was in the process.

The call made my wife smile as did the email from her old colleague who has been seeing the same oncologist ,that she will be going to, for the last 3 years.  Her colleague said that she lived quietly with cancer for the last 3 years and was now just ready to let it out.  She wanted to share her story like everyone else as long as she could affect or convince someone else to go get tested.  My wife said she also saw a special today on Robin Roberts in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month and she too said it was time to make a difference.  My wife said she wants to make a difference and she is going to figure how at work, at home, and in the community.  She said cancer prevention and detection is her belief and even if she didn’t have a religion, fighting cancer would be it.

Amen.

Think , Laugh & Cry – A Loving Fight against Breast Cancer

02 Thursday Oct 2008

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“Don’t forget to think, laugh and cry everyday.”

 

(note, wrote this on the way down to LA this morning).

 

Those famous words from Jim Valvano came to mind as I watched Oprah’s episode with Christina Applegate and breast cancer last night.  I cried not just for our situation, not just for Christina, but for all people suffering from any kind of cancer.

 

Today as I make (made) one of my day-long trips down to Hollywood for business, I just find myself wrapped in thought and emotion.  This is a trip I was supposed to make weeks ago, but everyone delayed the meeting mostly because I couldn’t make it because of my wife’s surgery.  Short plane rides, showers and bathroom stalls are just some of those places where time stands still and all my emotions come flooding in.  Sitting on a plane and just starting to cry is a weird thing.  I think of those times with my dad in the hospital, then my mom in the hospital and now with my wife’s visits to the hospital and think how lucky I am to still have two of those three people left in my life.

 

This morning was the first day I ever recall walking as a family to school.  You see it on TV where the family unit of four walks to school together down a tree-lined street.  We held hands said hello to other kids and parents we met.  It felt so normal.  We kissed our kids, sending them off with a hearty “Take care of your body” and my wife and I walked back to our car holding hands.  We never hold hands.  Is this the new us?  I don’t know if we can do that forever, but it sure felt nice.

 

Although I’ll be back tonight, I am still concerned for my wife, wanting to make sure she is okay.  She promised that she’d take it easy as long as I made sure to immerse myself back in my work and stop worrying just a little.  I can try that.  I reminded her that I just have a whole new appreciation for how much it means for her to still be with me.

 

One of the movies showing on the plane in October is “The Bucket List” starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.  It’s about two guys with terminal cancer who have a list of things to do before they “kick the bucket”.  We wanted to see that movie before she was diagnosed.  I think we need a good laugh now and will watch it this weekend.  We might also find it inspiring.

 

Yes, definitely doing a little laughing, thinking and crying today.  It does feel good to let those emotions out. It feels real human.  The words my wife took from Oprah’s show with Christina Applegate were those words that Melissa Etheridge gave her, “This is a blessing and you now can live your life the way you want to”  or something like that.  Well blessing isn’t really the right word here.  A wake up call?  Maybe that is it.  We had definitely started doing that and my wife was onboard with that mentality, but we had forgotten it.  She told me this morning before I left, ” I need to put the past behind and start living.”

 

Amen

3 weeks post-surgery – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

01 Wednesday Oct 2008

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“Keep resting, take your chances to rest.”

Well we are now 3 weeks post-surgery and we are slowly moving back to normal.  We both have finally gotten rid of our coughs which both hit us around the time that she was diagnosed.  I’m thinking it was a bit psychosematic (sp?) but either way, it’s all done. 

I’m still dropping off the kids and preparing everyone’s breakfast and lunch as she is still weak in the mornings and has not regained her stamina.  Picking up the kids in the afternoons and helping them go to their activities is exhausting and I see the weakness in her.  We had a long discussion to remind her to her rest when she can.  She has resumed light work which again is a good distraction for her, but she can barely stay awake at the end of the day.  She has also been going on walks with friends so I think that is helping to both get her out, but also take a lot of her energy away.

We did watch Christina Applegate on Oprah today.  Yes, I watched Oprah.  It was good for her to see Christina Applegate and her diagnosis.  They are very similar in age and diagnosis as well as surgery and timing.  I don’t think we learned anything new but I could see my wife breath just a sigh of relief.  It is the sigh of knowing that she has more people like her.  She is not alone and not left wondering why her as opposed to someone else.

It is still hard to leave her alone.  As someone recently said to me, men just want to fix things.  I do.  I want to make her feel better.  Traveling again for work is difficult to do.  Leaving her and not being close to help is so hard.  It is good though to get immersed in work again for one week (before next week’s oncologist appointment). 

At dinner though our son did ask us about the other mother of a classmate in his school who died of breast cancer.  We had to remind him that her case was different and that there are all kinds of situations.  He was also under the impression she passed after visiting the hospital again.  This explains a little why he is worried each time we go to the hospital.  Hopefully he understands a little better now.   It is best to remind our children to ask us every time they have a new question.

As a funny aside, today I met Kathy Ireland!  Wow, pretty amazing.  I was speaking at a Social Media Marketing Sunmmit and walked in to the Speakers Area before the conference and there she was.  it was like the episode od Friends where Chandler gets caught in a banking vestibule with Jill Goodacre.  Kathy even knew my name which left me feeling like I was 15 again.  My wife had a good laugh when I Tweeted her and told her I was sitting next to Kathy Ireland.  She knew at least it was relieving the tension of giving my speech.  It went well by the way.