Category Archives: Route 53 – Life is A Highway

Just ramblings about my everyday life. I often wonder if other people think these things too. Some day my children can read these thoughts and maybe the will say, “Hmm, so that is what dad was really thinking” or, “At least I would know what dad would do if he were in my situation”

Listening to win – A Loving Fight

27 Saturday Dec 2008

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“The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.” — Woodrow Wilson

I was recently asked if some of my earlier posts could be used on the site www.Fightpink.org.  Quite frankly I was surprised as I never intended for these postings to be used elsewhere.  The intent of this blog becomes clearer every day as it is more for me than anyone else.  My memory isn’t what it used to be, but more importantly I’ve always documented my thoughts and someday I’d like my children to know why I did what I did or know what I thought about particular incidents in our lives.

Reading those old posts was haunting.  I guess I’d forgotten already how I was feeling at that time.  That is pretty funny given that many say I have a photographic memory.  I laugh at that as I pretty much find myself to be so scattered in life that I just document my life meticulously so I won’t forget.  I listen and listen hard.  I listen to learn and listen  to comfort others.  I sometimes am asked why I don’t speak up on some conversations.  I guess that I’ve always believed that sometimes silence is golden.  And sometimes silence, pictures and images speak a thousand words.

Right now it’s all about listening to my wife’s questions.  I can see and hear her concerns about her surgical scars.  She doesn’t complain but tells me about the research and conversations she is having.  The skin-sparing matectomy has several kinds of scars, but the ones my wife had (over 18 only please) can be depicted through the attached photo links:

Areolar: http://www.justbreastimplants.com/gallery/incision_areola.htm

Crease: http://www.justbreastimplants.com/gallery/incision_crease.htm

The areolar was used for the original expander, but the crease was used to help reconfigure my wife so as to allow my wife to have a bit of a reduction.  Right now the ster-strips still cover the scars.  The black and blue are gone and now the healing once again becomes both physical and emotional.  While many would think this sounds more physical, I’m listening to my wife and her voice.  She wants to look normal.  Normal for me and for her.Pictures speak a thousand words for her.  Seeing things look almost normal will have an emotional healing that things are still the same for her.  Hearing her husband honestly telling her that he thinks she looks great is one thing, but she is going to have to believe it herself.  Any married couple knows that.

Tomorrow I think I’ll talk more about my own expectations and observations for 2009.

Confessions of a Workaholic – Life is a Highway

26 Friday Dec 2008

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A road of solitude is a road many have traveled before you – by Route 53

This morning’s commute, the day after Christmas on a Friday was as quiet and uneventful as one could imagine.  I got up and out of the house even before the garbage man could come by and pick up our garbage can full of Christmas Recyclables.  It is beautiful clear mornings such as this which make grand cities such as San Francisco seem so small.  I’ve had mornings like this in Paris, New York and Chicago as well where you feel like the city belongs only to you.

Those already escaping to the mountains for skiing had already thrown their trees to the curb (there goes the holiday spirit).  I took a different route to work.  I drove straight through downtown and San Francisco’s Union Square where my dad once had his dental office.  The stores were dark except for people putting up sale signs and hoping that post Christmas traffic would help bolster a lackluster retail season. 

My office across from San Francisco’s Moscone Convention Center has a bit of a circular story for me.  My office looks out at both the W Hotel (where people sometimes don’t close their blinds and I often get an early morning peep show) and more importantly the Convention Center.  San Francisco’s Convention Center sits on a bit of land with a lot of history for me.  It is where my dad would park his car when I was younger so as not to have to pay for parking.  It used to be an area of burnt out buildings and homeless bonfires.  Even more so  in the 30s-60s it was where my family first got it’s real start in America.

My grandfather sold meat scraps for an old Italian (some say he was Greek)  immigrant who eventually gave the business to the hard working “chinaman”.  It was this business which changed the life of my family.  Eventually my grandfather would be approached by the city’s attorney in charge of the redevelopment agency, Joe Alioto, to sell the building and land to San Francisco.  My grandfather, not wanting to easily give up the business that fed his family, struck a hard bargain that eventually enabled my grandfather to be one of the first Asians to move into Menlo Park, an area that now has many Asians.  Joe Alioto would later go on to become a famous mayor for San Francisco and his grandson, the original Joe Alioto, Jr. would be a class mate of mines in grammar school.

So today I look over this land from my office.  A rich property that my grandfather sold to get our family a head start in San Francisco.  I park my car in a garage that sits about 20 yards from where my dad would park the beat up VW that he drove for 25 years.  Life has many ironies.  Sometimes we don’t even know they are there even though we see them.

Maybe I’m not a workaholic.  Showing up at work this morning was probably a way for me to be with two generations of men that I owe much to.  Maybe it’s a way for me to be close to them.  Wow, really maybe it is a comfort zone for me. It’s interesting how these things just never come to realization until you put them to words. 

I’m not sure how this entry ends. I guess I never really think about what I’m going to write about, but maybe this entry is my road less traveled.  I’m sure others have their road of solitude as well.  Many are in parallel and other paths I may cross.  2008 may be coming to an end, but at least I’ve found my path.

PS  – I just watched this movie called “PS-I Love You”.  Inspirational?  Yes.  hell yes..  If you ever love someone or feel passionate about something, follow your dream and follow theirs.  The video below is the the last song from the movie.  It just seemed to fit my mood today.

Day Before Christmas…..and all through the office

24 Wednesday Dec 2008

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“All I want for Christmas is for you to be a good boy” – My Father

I used to hate when I’d ask my dad what I could get him for Christmas.  He’d always say he didn’t need anything.  Then when I pushed him, he’d say that he wanted me to work hard, get good grades, love my mother, brother and sister, and just be a good boy.

Funny how we pick up on these kinds of things from our parents and they don’t become relevant or remembered until we started saying or doing the same things ourselves.  Yesterday I was driving by his old high school on my way to work .  his high school is now a run down government building of some sort that looks half abandoned.  I kind of like driving by it every day.  It is nearly the same route my dad used to drive in the 70’s when he would go to work.  Two days before Christmas I was noting how light the commute traffic was when bam, a car got hit going through the intersection in front of the school and ran into the fire hyrdant causing a geyser a hundred feet into the air.

Car hits fire hydrant

Car hits fire hydrant

A flood (no pun intended..well maybe a little) of memories of my dad raced through my head.  My dad would wear a Santa’s hat the day before Christmas and drop gifts off to his clinic co-workers and lab technicians.  He always had that smile on his face.  One of the funny things about my dad is that he had this office which overlooked San Francisco’s Union Square.  The office located at 291 Geary was his for over 30 years.  A small space for one dental chair.  It was his sanctuary.  For 30 years my dad would take his holiday cards that he received and gently place the cards in the slats of his Venetian blinds.  There those cards would sit until the day I closed his office after he was forced to retire.  Everyone joked about the Christmas cards that thry’d have to be forced to stare at in the middle of June with their mouths wide open as he asked them about where they were going for the summer break.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah, well I just started doing this myself.  I don’t think I’ll be at this current job or office for 30 years, but it is a bit of an homage to my dad on this Christmas Eve.

So I am here at work on Christmas Eve.  I’m trying to meet some stretch goals for my company.  My dad used to work 6 days a week and golf on the 7th.  Some might have wondered if he was a good dad.  I probably would question someone who does that today, but I do think my brother and sister today would say that their dad was with them and is still with them in spirit.  There is a bit of our father in all of us and today I am working while most people are at home, because I am making sure to put that bread on the table as they say.

Maybe I’m a bit nostalgic, but I’m sure there are others out there who find themselves on this day doing something to remind them of someone who is no longer with them.

Happy Holidays everyone

3 Days of Shopping to go – Life is a Highway

22 Monday Dec 2008

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Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. – Washington Irving

Tonight’s run was a cold and painful one.  Each run is like every day in life.  One day you might feel good but the next day you might feel like you are running a marathon without shoes.  One day is different from the next.  It’s like life.  Many of us are given the same set of circumstances, but some make more or less of it than others.

I’m reading a book by Chad Moutray, another man who had a wife with breast cancer only his story ended tragically.  Why would I read it?  Why do I care?  I often wonder if I am alone in this world.  In fact I think we all wonder if our life is unique or normal.  Do others deal with similar issues?  Are all my peers being hit with the recession the same way? 

Chad, while raised differently, has many similar qualities to me.  I’m finding the book entertaining at times and hard to read at others.  It hits hard and close.  I’ll write more about the book at a later date once I am finished.

Today my wife went back to the clinic and the nurse practitioner supplied her with new and cleaner steri-strips to cover her scars.  Her breast surgeon came by to say hello.  This would be the last visit with her for another 6 months.  She gave my wife a hug and then said some complimentary words about me.  We had become more cordial with each other over time and recently discussed my blog.  I was hesitant at first to tell her about this blog , but gave her the adress.  She told my wife that she loved my honesty.  Whew!  I was not ready to go back and edit anything here.  While this blog is more of a channel for me to express the feelings which I can’t describe with words, I find it to be more of a release for me and hopefully a memoir for my children

I am encouraged by my wife though.  Her energy levels are high and her desires to enjoy herself and get back to a regular exercise regimen.  She is worried about the scar and I’ve told her that I’ll help her to get used to her new self and promise to be honest and open about my feelings with her.  It’s hard to argue with her when I want to be positive, but I have to pick my points.  Sometimes she deserves the ability to just be down.

We are getting ready for the holidays this year with a full house of family.  While everything might be the same as years past, just like running, it might be a bit more of a struggle than in the past

Looking Within for Happiness – Life is a Highway

22 Monday Dec 2008

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When you are down, look to your children and your children’s children for hope and happiness – Fortune Cookie

I looked at my fortune tonight as my son and daughter read it over my shoulder.  My daughter asked me what it meant and my son gave me a wry smile as if I had been rooked by the fortune cookie gods.  It is so true to have not just children but to have faimly around you who give you that unconditional love and respect.  That ear that will listen or that smile that brightens a gloomy day.  You don’t have to have that kind of felling with all your children or relatives because it just takes one.

These past five months have had me running, literally, to keep my sanity and energy.  Our children while never less important in our lives have not always been given the attention we’d like to have given them.  As a parent you shield them from life’s problems so that they can approach life without barriers and without bias while tryig to provide them with the tools that will help them to survive barriers and bias.  one of my more favorite movies in the past 10 years is The Pursuit of Happyness.  It is a true story about a single father who did all he could to raise his child in a world that was unkind to him.  Ironically it is a story that took place right here in San Francisco and at the time of the real stroy I was a struggling young college intern right across the street.

I’m not homeless, but the emotional adversity has been rougher on me than I thought it would be.  Finally after 5 months, my wife’s parents are here to help.  The relief in my body is a bit of a shock.  I don’t have to worry about my wife every second of the day and the ability to focus more on my children and reconnect with them on more than just a “bedtime story” level is something I really want and need. 

This weekend we found an hour between the raindrops to toss a baseball around.  It felt good to feel that ball pop in my glove and sting my hand.  After an hour, my hand was burning from my 9 year old’s pitches.  It felt so good for it to hurt like that.  I also took my daughter to go to see the Nutcracker with my mother.  For her to get all dressed up and have a day out on the town with her grandmother made her feel special and the smile on her face was all I needed.

So back to that crazy fortune cookie at San Tung Restaurant.  It was the most honest and truthful fortune cookie for me.  To those who wonder about such things.  I am superstitious.  I take the cookie that is pointing to me and I never read the fortune until I have full swallowed the cookie.  At least that is the rule my cousins always told me to obey.

I explained to my daughter about what it meant and I told them how the game of catch and the Nutcracker were perfect examples of all that I needed to make my life better this holiday season.  I know they don’t get it and they’ll still want the latest electronic games and gadgets for the holidays under the Christmas tree, but should they get my good fortune someday when they are my age, I’m sure they’ll at least understand what I was feeling tonight.

Running is a Lot like Life

19 Friday Dec 2008

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“Running is a lot like life.  Only 10 percent of it is exciting.  90 percent of it is slog and drudge.”
          – Dave Bedford, English distance runner who occasionally put in 200 miles a week in training

Tonight I had the pleasure of getting together with several of my old school friends from grammar school.  Growing up in San Francisco and still living in San Francisco we find ourselves to be a rare breed given the cost of living here.  While many of us have moved on, those of still here are always asked where us locals meet.  We met at the Big Four bar in the Huntington Hotel.  These kinds of gatherings are always amusing as someone always gets drunk and does something foolish like telling a woman how he had a crush on her when we were 12.  In the end it is always good to see old friends and get away from life’s everyday problems.  My Blackberry was vibrating incessantly during the evening, but if I’ve learned anything over the past several months it is that you need to take care of yourself and not sweat the little things.  I had had a rough day at work and needed to be in the comfort of friends long forgotten.

To see faces that are fuller and legs that are longer, but yet the eyes that still tell the same stories 30 years later we are just happy to see each other.  Divorces, children, illness, drugs, success and failures are all put aside for the evening and we are able to share what we will.  For most of the people I was a kid with glasses and braces, shorter than most girls at that age.  There was the hot girl, the quiet girl, the grandson of the ex-mayor, the recovering addict, the successful entrepreneur, the woman who was hoping that we did not know her family secret ( I know), the absent daughter of the Speaker of the House, etc.  Lots of baggage and stories to tell but we stuck to our scripts. Nobody wanted to hear about my wife’s cancer and I didn’t want to ruin their festive evening with my story.  These area good people and many were escaping the troubles of the day like myself.  I didn’t need to share.

Many people ask me why I run and i always ask myself that question.  Sometimes I answer for health reasons but I think I do it for thinking.  I came home to my wife and her parents who are visiting for the holidays.  After small chat I got ready for my usual run.  Each night I run to our children’s school.  It’s a 20 block run each way to give me a chance to think about the day’s events.  A dangerous thing I know, but a great chance to learn from one’s actions.  Tonight I wasn’t running to my kid’s school, but also the same school I went to with all those people at our holiday reunion.  Memories flooded back to me after the fact.  I find that is my nature to look back fondly at my childhood and remember those in my life who have impacted me in a small way.  Perhaps I do smell the roses each day and evening, retracing the steps of my childhood.  I ran tonight with the intent to pass the 1100 mile mark for me this year but ended up coming to grips with the day’s problems once again reminding myself about the important  things in life.  Friends and memories are some of those important memories for me. 

Maybe each night I have a road.  It is the most common road in my life and the one that is filles with memories

Courage and relief – Life is a highway.

16 Tuesday Dec 2008

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” Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

Finally after five months my wife’s parents arrived to console their daughter.  I could see the relief in their eyes.  More importantly I could feel the relief in my that she felt her parents were finally concerned enough.  Their was never any doubt that they were concerned about their daughter, but their hesitation had started to wear on my wife.  Quite frankly it started to wear on me.  Her courage through all of this has been nothing less than a revelation for me.  How she was able to put so many feelings behind her as she went through this battle over the past 5 months has been amazing. 

It couldn’t come at a better time for them to arrive as my work is getting more busy with business integration coming on the heels of the holiday season.  I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders as I can go to work knowing that someone else is around to care for my wife during the day.

Right now our only concern is that my wife is feeling uncomfortable with some redness around her stitches that is very itchy.  I am concerned there might be an infection, but we are not sure.  She’ll be able to go in with her mother to take a look again with the doctor to see if there is any relief they might be able to provide her.

I even noticed my change in my mindset as I ran tonight.  I ran an extra mile and for the first time in a long time, my wife’s cancer did not wander into my head during my 20-25 minute run.  That’s probably because I barely broke a sweat in the bitter 35 degree temperatures outside.   I’m really pleased to have broken the 1100 mile mark this year.  It feels real good and I can feel my stamina and speed to be improving each day.

Maybe now I can start to write about something new.  Hopefully it will allow me to really express some of my real passions in life.

Another Trip to the Hospital – Life is a Highway

15 Monday Dec 2008

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Those who are lucky are happy, and I’m happy to be lucky.  No excuses.

– Participant in the show, Survivor

The reconstruction surgery didn’t go as long as smoothly as we would have liked.  It lasted five and a half hours and will require more healing than we anticipated, but I think the relief of the surgery being over was felt both by me and her.  As soon as the surgery was over, a storm hit the city.  She was delirious but okay so I decided she was stable enough to go home for the night and get back first thing in the morning.

I woke up after 7 hours of sleep ( 2 more than I had been averaging) with a major knot in my stomach and a huge throbbing headache.  I think the stress of the week that I had been internalizing came crashing in on me.  I had read myself to sleep by reading he story of another husband who lost his wife to breast cancer.  I read the synopsis and realized how lucky I am.  I’ll write more about this book later.  I quickly grabbed some ibuprophen  and went to pick up some breakfast.  She hadn’t eaten in 35 hours so she would be famished.  Fortunately my mother had spent the night to watch the kids.  After calling her parents to tell them she was okay, I arrived at the hospital.  I would later find out that she had not told her parents before that they were going in to clear her margins some more.  She had not told them as she didn’t want them to be worried.

I was not only the last visitor to check out the night before, but I was also the first visitor to check in that morning.  Opening the door and seeing her sitting up and smiling was more than a relief.  She was in pain still and a bit week but she was hereslf again.  When she starts barking orders I know she’s fine.  There weren’t side effects from nausea like the previous surgery.  Both physicians came in and checked on her.  They said it had been slightly more complicated than thought, but that it just required more adjustments.

We were able to check out by 11am and we were soon a family again.  The children were happy to see their mother sleeping in her bed.  It was a bonding experience.  I left my son to watch his mother and get her anything she requested while I took or 6-year old daughter run errands to the pharmacy to pick up medicines, the deli to get sandwiches, and the card store to get my wife’s birthday card.  As I ran the errands, I could only think of the book I was reading and squeezed my daughters hand.  She was enjoying being my helper and I was enjoying the bonding time.

I slept the whole rest of the afternoon with my wife.  I needed the rest and she held my hand.   She requested sushi for dinner so I took the children out for sushi and brought back the leftovers.  Dinner was different.  A dinner for three instead of four.  I saw people look at us.  Was I divorced dad?  A widower?  It didn’t matter.  I knew what I was feeling.  I was thinking how much I wanted to be a complete family and how good that feels to me. 

I told her I am so happy to still have her with me and feel so fortunate.  I’ll never take her for granted again.  This week isn’t going to slow down with the holidays upon us.

Her parents arrive on Tuesday and there are a bunch of “honey do’s” that I have to get done around the house before they arrive!

Racing Down the Highway – Life is a Highway

12 Friday Dec 2008

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I’m Driving like Hell, Racing Down the Highway – Blake Shelton

Although the lyrics above are from a song about a guy who realized he let his woman get away without telling her how much she means to him (which is not my case), those words seems to express my feelings these days about how my life is going.  I feel like I’m spending my days on those things which I shouldn’t and not on the people and things that matter.  Have I lost perspective?  It’s so easy to find your way in life one day and then lose it.  Yes, just like driving without a map, going 85 mph and not talking to the other people in the back seat.

 As I write this I’m sitting in the 3rd Floor waiting room of the CPMC Carol Franc Buck Cancer Clinic waiting for my wife who is undergoing her 3 hour reconstruction which includes a brief procedure from her cancer surgeon to clear margins that will help reduce her chance of cancer returning.  This surgery will be about half the time of her original surgery.  It is a weird feeling as I felt so prepared for her original surgery that today’s procedure both of us felt so unprepared.  The results maybe aren’t so much about mortality I guess, but I feel like I haven’t given today’s proceedings as much attention as they deserve.  The same goes with the time I’ve had to spend with our kids. 

Last night we each had a brain dump of thoughts.  When we communicate it is almost like a game of chess with a time clock.  First me for 1 minute, then her for a minute, then me, then her, etc.  We race through topics such as how she ran into her friend Jessica at the Starbucks (Jessica is also a breast cancer survivor and an inspiration to my wife), how our son was nominated for a summer Young Scholars program, holiday dinner plans, coordinating pick up of her parents from the airport, etc.  This type of communication might not work for many, but it works for us.  Twenty-four years together will do that to you.  In the end we finally smiled and did a sanity check (maybe it should be an insanity check).  How are we feeling?  Are we prepared for this next surgery?  Is she feeling side effects from the hormone therapy? Apologies to each other are also part of the conversation.  These are mostly from me for the guilt of not being there as much as I wish I could, but she understands the stress we are all going through.  Who says love is about never having to say you’re sorry?

Back to the present, I’m sitting here waiting with two other gentlemen and have about 90 more minutes to go of waiting.  The smile on her face as she chatted her way through the swinging surgical doors are so typical of her, and so atypical of the image of someone going in for a major surgery.  The looks of concern on their faces tell me that their cases seem more grave.  There is a certain somberness in this room that hits me and reminds me of sitting in this room three months ago.  There is a déjà vu with the smells and sounds all around me.  I hope we never have to be here again.  Once again the stress and anxiety of the week have caught up.  The sleepless nights have me and I need to rest.

The next 90 minutes are going to be spent napping and listening to an iPod mix of inspirational songs.

Hopefully the next couple of days will let me catch up, slow down and give everything its proper attention.

Now is the Time – A Loving Fight

08 Monday Dec 2008

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Now is the Time When You Show How Much You Care – Ronnie Lott

I was driving to work today listening to talk radio and heard Hall of Fame defensive back Ronnie Lott talking about his foundation and giving.  I was thinking to myself about how hard it must be to give at this time of year and in this economy.  Doing some of my own fundraising for our kid’s school I was sensitive to his comments.  But he inspired me by saying how he didn’t get as much from everyone but got more people to participate.

I’m feeling that right now.  As I ran last night I was thinking about my “Secret Santa” exchange which our family set up and just remembered how fortunate I feel that my wife is still with me and that my kids still have their mother.  I’ve decided that I have all the gifts I need.  If someone wants to give me a gift, they can donate those dollars to my wife’s cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center.  My family is pretty bitter that I’m ruining their Secret Santa because I don’t want anything, but that is truly how I feel.  Even if they gave me something I truly want or have wanted, I just can’t enjoy it this year.  Now is not the time for me to be greedy.  I know my family wants to give me something, but I’ve been a materialistic person my whole life and right now my wife is the only thing I want and am so glad to have her.  

Maybe it is the stress of the holiday season, work integration projects, the bad economy, and my wife’s upcoming surgery this Friday, but I just can’t sleep or feel like I can rest.  Now is not the time to be selfish.  No matter how bad life is, the only way to feel better right now is not to feel sorry for onesself, but to make yourself feel better through the gift of giving to others.

Maybe my wife’s energy level is what is driving me.  She seems to be so strong now while on OS, Tamoxifen and bisphosphonates while staring surgery in the face again.  I just don’t know how she does it, but maybe for her now is the time as well.  I can only gather strength from her this holiday season which will be the greatest gift of all.